Is it this time of year – dark, cold, body calling for hibernation…
Is it the holidays – as an adult avoiding family contact,
not wanting to choose, easier to do my own thing and now family is close, so
time to change habits…
Is it my process – the deeper I go, the less able I am to
avoid, escape, recognizing the layers of my negative patterns…
CONTROL, EXPECTATIONS – these themes my mind comes back to
again and again. They show up everywhere!
Even in my practices to “better myself” these two rear their heads. Effortless effort…What?! What the hell does
this mean?!
Is it those outside of me who are reacting to my changes,
bringing up conflict in my world, trying to pull me in and make it a problem
for me…I can see why retreating to a cave makes this process easier…my escape
mode is triggered. Run, run, run. Change, change, change. Thinking I am in control…then exhaustion. Too
tired to fight any more…so I rest, retreat. I slow down and try to regroup…what
am I missing? Where am I going wrong?
Stillness calls. Be
still…listen…
Ok, well after…, I will…but, maybe if I just…and I’m back at
it. It goes well for a bit as I continue to avoid stilling still. I’m a doer,
goddamit! I do, I get things done!…at the cost of me.
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