I recently went through a significant life change, moving from begin an employee since age 16 to fully self-employed. I'm not through the change yet, but it's been fascinating to watch things unfold, as well as get a glimpse of conditioned patterns I wasn't aware of regarding this role.
I consciously started this process about five years ago after my 300 hour Yoga Teacher Training with the encouragement of my teacher. I created Samya Yoga Healing and just started taking little steps, trying things out, and seeing what happened. The scariest part was taking the step to go part-time at my paid job so I could really start to put effort into SYH about two years ago. In the United States, this means no health care coverage. This was terrifying due to some health issues I was experiencing. I was lucky to have a spouse with health insurance so it was lower cost, but I still had to come up with the funds to pay my share in addition to all the other bills. The fear I had in the several months leading up to this change would engulf my like a wave, tossing me around while I tried to fight my way back to the surface to gasp for air.
I had been practicing yoga for long enough that I was fully aware of what was going on with fear and would be able to meet my racing mind with breathing and seeing a bigger picture by coming back to the facts. The part of me that knew this was the path I wanted and needed to take was stronger than the fear. I also used my support system to talk things through.
And then the day came, the switch happened, and those tumultuous seas quickly calmed. I made the change, survived, and thrived.
Two years of becoming focused on the intention of moving full time into SYH, allowed me to make the switch with confidence and clarity. The transition was very different from going part-time. I was first struck by the mourning I went through. I would get emotional thinking about leaving the 'security' of being an employee with a regular pay check, leaving behind co-workers I truly enjoyed, letting go of my role within the organization that I had put so much time an energy into over the years. All these things I had become attached to as part of my identity. There's still a little of it in my body as I write about it.
Then, there has been a decompression period. At first, it felt like just going on a vacation, not feeling real yet. I found myself thinking about things in my previous position. I would catch myself and remind myself that wasn't something I was responsible for anymore. I was grateful for the change, yet I also found myself still very busy and doing so much...how did that happen?
And there it was. One of my biggest intentions for making the change was to slow down and do less, yet here I was still doing. The addiction of doing that is accepted and revered in our society. I have slowed down so much over the last eight plus years and here was another, more deeper layer of it. This is the change process.
The awareness that I chronically do too much to prove myself and hide feeling "not good enough" happened YEARS ago. Eight years ago at my teacher training was just a deeper level of understanding of it. I come from a long line of 'doers and provers', which I'm sure many of you can identify with. This recent new level of awareness is an opportunity for me to become more committed and disciplined on forging a new way of being. It has already allowed me to look directly into those self-defeating thoughts that come up from fear. Fear of what others will think, fear of failure, fear of dependency, and fear of abandonment. Yes, even after all these years, I'm still learning and becoming aware of this same old pattern. (And I do this for a living).
I've started to let go of some things and I've started to have some of the space I was envisioning.
It was striking this Monday. The start of 'the work week.' It hit me that I don't have to subscribe to the 9 to 5 work week anymore. What?! I didn't even think of this! So, I allowed myself a slow morning to take care of me, working in some 'to dos' but doing it in a more relaxed way. Each day will be different, each week and I can just be with it as it comes. As long as I keep coming back to my yoga sadhana (spiritual practice) each day, remember to be kind and compassionate to myself, and accept the process I know it will all be okay.
I'm so excited to see the next discoveries along this awareness of 'doing too much' and explore a different way of living and being in this life. Hallelujah for change!!
I consciously started this process about five years ago after my 300 hour Yoga Teacher Training with the encouragement of my teacher. I created Samya Yoga Healing and just started taking little steps, trying things out, and seeing what happened. The scariest part was taking the step to go part-time at my paid job so I could really start to put effort into SYH about two years ago. In the United States, this means no health care coverage. This was terrifying due to some health issues I was experiencing. I was lucky to have a spouse with health insurance so it was lower cost, but I still had to come up with the funds to pay my share in addition to all the other bills. The fear I had in the several months leading up to this change would engulf my like a wave, tossing me around while I tried to fight my way back to the surface to gasp for air.
I had been practicing yoga for long enough that I was fully aware of what was going on with fear and would be able to meet my racing mind with breathing and seeing a bigger picture by coming back to the facts. The part of me that knew this was the path I wanted and needed to take was stronger than the fear. I also used my support system to talk things through.
And then the day came, the switch happened, and those tumultuous seas quickly calmed. I made the change, survived, and thrived.
Two years of becoming focused on the intention of moving full time into SYH, allowed me to make the switch with confidence and clarity. The transition was very different from going part-time. I was first struck by the mourning I went through. I would get emotional thinking about leaving the 'security' of being an employee with a regular pay check, leaving behind co-workers I truly enjoyed, letting go of my role within the organization that I had put so much time an energy into over the years. All these things I had become attached to as part of my identity. There's still a little of it in my body as I write about it.
Then, there has been a decompression period. At first, it felt like just going on a vacation, not feeling real yet. I found myself thinking about things in my previous position. I would catch myself and remind myself that wasn't something I was responsible for anymore. I was grateful for the change, yet I also found myself still very busy and doing so much...how did that happen?
And there it was. One of my biggest intentions for making the change was to slow down and do less, yet here I was still doing. The addiction of doing that is accepted and revered in our society. I have slowed down so much over the last eight plus years and here was another, more deeper layer of it. This is the change process.
The awareness that I chronically do too much to prove myself and hide feeling "not good enough" happened YEARS ago. Eight years ago at my teacher training was just a deeper level of understanding of it. I come from a long line of 'doers and provers', which I'm sure many of you can identify with. This recent new level of awareness is an opportunity for me to become more committed and disciplined on forging a new way of being. It has already allowed me to look directly into those self-defeating thoughts that come up from fear. Fear of what others will think, fear of failure, fear of dependency, and fear of abandonment. Yes, even after all these years, I'm still learning and becoming aware of this same old pattern. (And I do this for a living).
I've started to let go of some things and I've started to have some of the space I was envisioning.
It was striking this Monday. The start of 'the work week.' It hit me that I don't have to subscribe to the 9 to 5 work week anymore. What?! I didn't even think of this! So, I allowed myself a slow morning to take care of me, working in some 'to dos' but doing it in a more relaxed way. Each day will be different, each week and I can just be with it as it comes. As long as I keep coming back to my yoga sadhana (spiritual practice) each day, remember to be kind and compassionate to myself, and accept the process I know it will all be okay.
I'm so excited to see the next discoveries along this awareness of 'doing too much' and explore a different way of living and being in this life. Hallelujah for change!!
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