Over the past few months, I have been talking often about boundaries with people I work with, friends, and family. The roll boundaries play in our relationships with others and ourselves is an important one, especially for our personal growth. Many times our belief systems may keep us from setting appropriate and necessary boundaries for ourselves. A clue when we aren't setting healthy boundaries is when we are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted from being excessively busy and starting to engage in self-destructive behaviors, i.e doing things excessively (substance use, work, shopping, eating, TV watching, etc).
In my personal reflection of when I engage in excessive behaviors and my work with others, I have come to believe that a deep root of the cause of excessive behaviors and struggle to set healthy boundaries comes from negative core beliefs: "I'm not good enough," "I'm not worthy enough," "I need to prove myself," and "I don't deserve..." This is the heart of most of our human struggles and what can keep us from growing and thriving.
The practice of "No."
This is a challenge for so many of us. At work, saying, "no," may bring up fears of being fired, not being part of the team, and not being liked. At home, the self-doubt may say, "If I say no, I'm a bad mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter..." With friends, the fear of not belonging or loosing the friendship may loom large. The things with all of these fears and self-doubts is that generally they aren't true and if they are, usually we don't want to be a part of an organization, friendship or relationship that doesn't honor the right to say, "no." I have found that practicing saying, "no," allows me to have less stress and more down time, leads to others respecting me more, and I feel more confident and loving towards myself.
A way to start this practice is make something about you a priority. For example, maybe it's 15-10 minutes of meditation 5-7 times a week. If this is the commitment, then it can guide you in when to say, "no." If this practice is in the morning, family members have to figure things out for themselves during this time, you don't let excuses allow you to stay in bed, you don't schedule early morning appointments, and you get to bed at a reasonable time so you can get up. If this practice is in the evening, you don't schedule things during this time, family members have to problem-solve things for themselves, and other activities are scheduled around this. Try it with something for 2 weeks and notice how you feel and how it feels in your relationships.
The practice of saying "yes."
Two of the hardest things to say "yes" to can be to trying new things to get out of our comfort zone and habits, and asking for help.
The daily routine is important, but reflect on what is in your daily routine. How do you relax at the end of the day? Is it spending 2-3 hours in front of the TV or computer? Do you down a six pack or a bottle of wine? Are there more healthy ways to relax? What are you willing to try? What about people you surround yourself with...do they lift you up or bring you down? If it's the latter are there new activities to try where you might meet people who lift you up? Is your tendency to do the exact same things day in and day out with a part of you jealous of what others are doing? Take action! Try something new and see what happens!
Asking for help can be one of the hardest things. My first question to you is, "when someone asks you for help, how does it feel and what do you say?" Most people enjoy helping others and connecting. It helps to foster feeling a sense of community and gratitude. Yet receiving help can be such a challenge. Take to time reflect, "WHY?" What excuses keep you from asking for help...maybe one of the core beliefs. I can't tell you how many times I've had someone who is coming to see me struggles with scheduling regular appointments because, "someone else might need it," or "someone who needs it more so I don't want to take there time." We all need help at some point and we will all help someone at some point. It's all okay! Asking and receiving help decreases stress, builds relationships, and helps us with to remember we aren't alone. Asking for help is not being weak, it is having courage to be our best selves, to be vulnerable, and to grow. Brené Brown likes to remind us that the root of 'courage' comes from the French word for heart, 'coeur,' so that courage means 'to speak from the heart.' This is part of the practice of asking for help.
We all deserve to have healthy boundaries to keep our lives full of self-love, connecting with others, and taking care of ourselves so that in the end we can keep on giving. The analogy I'll leave you with is from flying in an airplane. Why is it that they announce if the oxygen masks come down, you are to put yours on first before helping others?
In my personal reflection of when I engage in excessive behaviors and my work with others, I have come to believe that a deep root of the cause of excessive behaviors and struggle to set healthy boundaries comes from negative core beliefs: "I'm not good enough," "I'm not worthy enough," "I need to prove myself," and "I don't deserve..." This is the heart of most of our human struggles and what can keep us from growing and thriving.
The practice of "No."
This is a challenge for so many of us. At work, saying, "no," may bring up fears of being fired, not being part of the team, and not being liked. At home, the self-doubt may say, "If I say no, I'm a bad mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter..." With friends, the fear of not belonging or loosing the friendship may loom large. The things with all of these fears and self-doubts is that generally they aren't true and if they are, usually we don't want to be a part of an organization, friendship or relationship that doesn't honor the right to say, "no." I have found that practicing saying, "no," allows me to have less stress and more down time, leads to others respecting me more, and I feel more confident and loving towards myself.
A way to start this practice is make something about you a priority. For example, maybe it's 15-10 minutes of meditation 5-7 times a week. If this is the commitment, then it can guide you in when to say, "no." If this practice is in the morning, family members have to figure things out for themselves during this time, you don't let excuses allow you to stay in bed, you don't schedule early morning appointments, and you get to bed at a reasonable time so you can get up. If this practice is in the evening, you don't schedule things during this time, family members have to problem-solve things for themselves, and other activities are scheduled around this. Try it with something for 2 weeks and notice how you feel and how it feels in your relationships.
The practice of saying "yes."
Two of the hardest things to say "yes" to can be to trying new things to get out of our comfort zone and habits, and asking for help.
The daily routine is important, but reflect on what is in your daily routine. How do you relax at the end of the day? Is it spending 2-3 hours in front of the TV or computer? Do you down a six pack or a bottle of wine? Are there more healthy ways to relax? What are you willing to try? What about people you surround yourself with...do they lift you up or bring you down? If it's the latter are there new activities to try where you might meet people who lift you up? Is your tendency to do the exact same things day in and day out with a part of you jealous of what others are doing? Take action! Try something new and see what happens!
Asking for help can be one of the hardest things. My first question to you is, "when someone asks you for help, how does it feel and what do you say?" Most people enjoy helping others and connecting. It helps to foster feeling a sense of community and gratitude. Yet receiving help can be such a challenge. Take to time reflect, "WHY?" What excuses keep you from asking for help...maybe one of the core beliefs. I can't tell you how many times I've had someone who is coming to see me struggles with scheduling regular appointments because, "someone else might need it," or "someone who needs it more so I don't want to take there time." We all need help at some point and we will all help someone at some point. It's all okay! Asking and receiving help decreases stress, builds relationships, and helps us with to remember we aren't alone. Asking for help is not being weak, it is having courage to be our best selves, to be vulnerable, and to grow. Brené Brown likes to remind us that the root of 'courage' comes from the French word for heart, 'coeur,' so that courage means 'to speak from the heart.' This is part of the practice of asking for help.
We all deserve to have healthy boundaries to keep our lives full of self-love, connecting with others, and taking care of ourselves so that in the end we can keep on giving. The analogy I'll leave you with is from flying in an airplane. Why is it that they announce if the oxygen masks come down, you are to put yours on first before helping others?
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