In It: Struggles on the path

Is it this time of year – dark, cold, body calling for hibernation…

Is it the holidays – as an adult avoiding family contact, not wanting to choose, easier to do my own thing and now family is close, so time to change habits…

Is it my process – the deeper I go, the less able I am to avoid, escape, recognizing the layers of my negative patterns…

CONTROL, EXPECTATIONS – these themes my mind comes back to again and again. They show up everywhere!  Even in my practices to “better myself”  these two rear their heads.  Effortless effort…What?! What the hell does this mean?!

Is it those outside of me who are reacting to my changes, bringing up conflict in my world, trying to pull me in and make it a problem for me…I can see why retreating to a cave makes this process easier…my escape mode is triggered.  Run, run, run.  Change, change, change.  Thinking I am in control…then exhaustion. Too tired to fight any more…so I rest, retreat. I slow down and try to regroup…what am I missing?  Where am I going wrong?

Stillness calls.  Be still…listen…

Ok, well after…, I will…but, maybe if I just…and I’m back at it. It goes well for a bit as I continue to avoid stilling still. I’m a doer, goddamit! I do, I get things done!…at the cost of me.

Overwhelmed with the reality of Love

After watching a wonderfully well done movie, "You're Not You," and many tears shed for the beauty the love portrayed, poetic prose sprung into my mind.

What Is Love?

Love is seeing beauty everywhere.
Honoring what IS
and the joy, pain, sorrow
completely
because it IS.

Love is embracing the worst, the challenge, the fear,
Holding it, being with it, learning from it.
Crying because you can,
Laughing because you can,
Screaming because you can.
Stating YOUR truth in every moment.

Love is changing,
growing,
falling,
and doing it over and over again.

Love is
a snowflake,
a sun ray,
a tear,
a struggle,
letting go...
everything.

Love is
a smile,
a frown,
a touch,
surrender,
letting go...
everything.

Not a verb,
Not what you want,
Not what I want,
Not rigid perfection,
Not fear,
Not judgment.

Love is...
crying and crying and crying
for the joy, pain, sorrow, fear.
Thank you for life,
ALL OF IT.
Love...
It's WHY we live.

A discovery within letting go.

I had a discovery today.

It came while reading an excerpt by Thich Nhat Hanh in the most recent “Shambhala Sun” magazine.

                “One day a friend coaxes you into getting away for a couple days.  At first you may say, “I can’t.  I have too much work.  I might miss an important call.”  But finally he convinces you to leave, and an hour or two later, you find yourself in the countryside.  You see open space.  You see the sky, and you feel the breeze on your cheeks.  Happiness is born from the fact that you could experience that kind of joy?  You needed to let go.”

Letting go.  I have been thinking of letting go as an act that you do and the next moment you feel lighter, relief, happy...and it lasts forever.  My discovery was it’s actually a process, not a onetime act of “if you do A, then B will occur.”  In fact, if you do A, it opens up all the emotions and thoughts underneath the surface.  It’s facing those and going through those that then (I think) will lead to another opportunity to let go and open up more of what needs to be faced.

I’ve been going through this process since I let go of this assumption: I could not make room to take five weeks and go to India to be with my teacher in order to have more training in yoga and self-development because I would be told, "no."  The thing is I really wanted to go and felt in my heart it was what I needed to do.  The letting go began when I asked myself, “who said I can’t go?”  Of course the answer was, “Myself.”  So, I began asking the people I thought would say, "no," and lo and behold my assumption was false.  I've had so much support from my co-workers, family, friends and even my clients.  When I decided I was going, I felt immense joy and then guilt began to creep in.  Yep, there it is, the real reason behind my assumption.  Guilt.

Guilt for not being responsible.  Guilt for leaving people hanging and having to cover for me.  Guilt that I don’t deserve this.  Guilt for my partner to go through his own suffering.  Guilt upon guilt.  At first my thought was, “Hey, I let go and you don’t belong here guilt!  I’m supposed to feel awesome!”

In the past, I would let this guilt consume me as I would stop doing things for self-care and self-nurturing, eventually ending up inviting depression to join the party.  But I’ve been doing it differently this time.  I’ve noticed guilt, tried to take time to listen and sort out a little more why guilt came up.  I’ve talked to people about it and gotten support.  I’ve told guilt, “I hear you and I know you are here for a reason, but I’ve still got things to do so you’ll just have to come along.”  It comes in little waves, wanting attention, so I give it some and it fades again, though still present.

When I read this passage, it hit me…I expected letting go would make the guilt disappear.  I had to laugh because this step in letting go is just that, a step.  It allowed the possibility for me to face what was (and is) really limiting me and be with it, acknowledge and accept it so that I could respond differently.  It’s like each action of letting go is a new beginning.  I’m very grateful for this new beginning because despite the guilt and it’s messages, I am going to India because I do deserve to take the time to develop myself and continue to grow.  My hope is guilt will eventually open an opportunity to let go of it when I’m ready.  Until then I will work on embracing it, going through the PROCESS of letting go, and enjoying those moments when I do let go…knowing the more I allow myself to do that, the more of those joyous moments will happen.

I CAN

I have been practicing saying this most of my life as I have strived to go against the “should” of being a female in American society: strive to educate yourself and get a job, but make sure that you still find Mr. Right and have kids, preferably a couple of them.  This will make you happy.

Little did I know how much I continued to limit myself by the notions of being a “productive member of society,” and what is an acceptable role to be productive.  I remember when I decided to go to graduate school after being a ski bum - waitressing and working at a ski resort.  My dad was so happy and he helped me pay off my undergraduate student loans.  It felt good…for a moment.  I remember my whole family’s judgment, including my own, about my brother being a bartender professionally during his 20s and early 30s.

I was fortunate enough to allow myself to commit and follow through with going to Dryden, Ontario this past September, where my yoga teacher, Prasad Ragnekar, was holding a Yoga Teacher Training along with one of my “sisters,” Carly.  It was a homecoming, to be around spiritually like-minded individuals.  I felt loved and welcomed.  It was inspiring to see what Carly was creating because she trusted and said, “I can.”  Prasad let me know that he was going to have a 300 hour yoga teacher training course in India this coming spring and invited me to join.  My first instinct was, “I would love to but there’s no way.  I can’t.  Too much going on, too expensive, my work would never let me and my partner would not be supportive.” 

When I reached home, I thought about the course and it suddenly dawned on me…who had said no?  It was me.  I just assumed I couldn’t go but didn’t ask anyone who might have an opinion.  Why not ask and see what happens?  So I did.  I started with my supervisor.  “So, I have a question and I’m not even sure if I will go, but I wanted to see if it’s even a possibility for time off.  My yoga teacher is doing the next level of yoga teacher training in India this spring for a month.   Could I take unpaid leave if it worked out?”  She immediately agreed to support me.  “We’ll make it work.”  I could hardly believe it.

I had been thinking about the financial part, which I knew I’d need help with.  I hadn’t asked my father for any financial assistance since graduate school on a basis of principle…which involved my hurt ego.  He and my step-mother were visiting in October, so I asked them.  They both agreed to support me and it opened up a whole other dialogue about my fears of talking with my partner.  I’d never received such emotional support from my father.  I guess I had never asked for it before.  Again, my own assumptions.

Then it was time to ask my partner.  It was not easy and his reaction was as I expected.  Since it was on the table, we continued to have dialogue about it and he surprised me.  He owned some of his expectations of our relationship, his need to change and to see what happens in our relationship.  He shared he fears of my dedication to yoga and myself, wondering where he fit in.  This is a conversation that will continue and we will see where things lead.  The interesting thing is he also seemed to become more comfortable talking about the future together, where, in the past, he was non-committal…fascinating what facing fears can unfold.

As for me, I am headed to India on March 7^th to continue my personal spiritual growth on the yogic path.  What I’ve noticed since opening up to this possibility is more awareness of the guilt and of the fear that underlie my limiting beliefs.  I’ve been able to talk with my supervisor about it and some of my close friends.  I watch it and feel it and talk to it, reassuring it that we’ll go through it and just see what happens.  Even now as I type this, I can feel the tension in my stomach and throat…so I breathe deep and smile.  Thank you for allowing me to experience this with consciousness.  Thank you Prasadji…  

Recommitting to writing

When I was living in India, I was filled with words, descriptions, images that wanted to flow out on the paper.  I blogged, I kept a small journal to write things down when travelling and my mind was thinking like I was writing. 

Upon returning to the US, I started back with a busy work schedule with my focus on helping others, the writing flow started to slow down from a raging river to a trickle at best.  I’m not sure why.  When I was in India, there was so much newness, awe, and discovery.  I kept myself busy but my mind was less focused.  Now, I find my mind wanders constantly to my clients and things that I might help them with on their self-development journey.  Even when sitting in meditation this will happen or when I’m out enjoying myself.  I’m starting to catch this more and allow myself to let go of the thought, but I wonder how this preoccupation has been part of the obstacle for the flow of writing. 

It’s most likely one of those things that when we feel good, everything flows and when there are struggles, it takes more effort.  When I didn’t have a 40 hour a week job to fill my time, I had more attention to be inspired by the newness in my surroundings.  Now I’m in my culture, focused on a job to help pay the bills (though it’s also one I enjoy), and it does take more effort to sit down and allow myself the time to write.

I wonder if I were to give myself a 40 day challenge of writing three sentences a day, how that might allow time for me to create space for this in my life again…

Since I’ve written this today, I guess I’ve started.  Here we go, 40 days of writing (other than the tedious part of my job…paperwork.  Hmmmm, maybe that’s also contributed to the drying up of an urge to write in a more creative manner).

Here’s to 40 day challenges!!

Ahimsa

I just had more of an understanding click inside of myself about ahimsa (non-violence).  I watched the movie Captain Richards.  It’s a movie depicting Captain Richard’s experience in having his cargo ship taken over by a group of Somali pirates.  The move left me feeling very sad.  Sad at what he experienced, sad about what even led the Somalis into this situation and sad about a world where military, weapons and fighting is deemed necessary and normal.  As we drove home from the movie, my partner was talking about a friend who recently went hunting.  I remarked how I just don’t understand the need to kill an animal.  He stated, “Well, it will save him some money on his grocery bill.”  Then it hit me.  Even this act of killing another animal shows ignorance into the meaning of ahimsa.  People often ask me why I’m vegetarian and I give them explanations of health and the environment.  But it goes beyond that.  It is not necessary for most people in this world to kill an animal in order to get the nourishment we need.  It is not necessary to inflict violence on another person to work through conflict.  It is not necessary to beat ourselves up because we aren’t perfect.  The ignorance of what we perceive as necessary to survive or to get our way or to be the best person we can ends up inflicting violence upon others and ourselves.  And I’m reminded that it comes back to me.  I can’t stop warlords, I can’t stop someone from hunting…I can practice ahimsa and stop myself from living in this ignorance.  In this sadness and turmoil, I feel closer to a sense of peace within myself.  I feel my eyes are open a little further and I feel a letting go of a little more of judgment.  Gaining a deeper understanding that everyone is in their own struggle with ignorance, including myself, lessens anger and increases compassion within me that may have to potential to travel outside of me into the world.

A reminder about expectations

As a mental health counselor, I encounter on a daily basis how expectations directly fuel our behaviors, emotions and thoughts.  Personally, one of my biggest lessons about expectations came from an expectation of how I felt my father "should" act, which fueled YEARS of misery, anger and hurt...until I finally recognized that MY expectation was the problem, not him.

I had a wonderful encounter with a client's expectation of her body today.  I have begun facilitating a pain management group and today I introduced some relaxation techniques, which the group then practiced.  We reviewed abdominal breathing, practiced muscle relaxation and visual imagery.  After the group, I spent time with a group member who had missed the last group.  She was telling me that her mind is always racing and even sleep is stressful because of the nightmares that come every night.  She told me, "I have been practicing taking deep breaths, then telling each body part to relax, but it just doesn't work!"  I asked her, "What doesn't work?"  She replied, "My headache is still there!  Nothing works!"  I spoke with her about her expectation of doing lots of things that "should" make her headache stop, which in turn is increasing the pain and stress...making things worse.  I suggested not having an expectation.  "When you are taking deep breaths, just observe what is happening, notice with curiosity.  When you are creating tension and then relaxing a body part, notice the difference between the two states.  Be an observer instead of judging the exercise as "bad" because your desire for your headache to stop."  Her pause and contemplation of this was beautiful!  "Yes..just not having a goal...just seeing what happens.  Okay, I will try that."

It was such a wonderful reminder for myself that we spend so much time feeling like we have to accomplish things to be "successful," to be "good" and "valuable."   We end up being so consumed with outcomes that we forget to be present in the process, to allow the outcome to be what it may be.  "Letting go" can simply be shifting from trying to "control" and "do" an outcome, to watching with curiosity and being present to witness what may happen...and then smile because you had no idea that could be a possible outcome.