Practicing self-compassion, coming back to it over and over again, has been an integral part of my positive change process. I see it as an essential element in coming from a more loving place. In fact, everything that is opposite of compassion is fuel for living from fear. I know that all parents have a goal for their children to grow into adults that are happy and at peace. My first question is are you doing this for yourself?
Dr. Kristen Neff, who has made her lifework out of focusing on self-compassion (and has a wonderful website www.self-compassion.org), defines compassion into three different parts: Kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness. I love this because I think it makes the practice and understanding of self-compassion much more accessible.
KINDNESS
Kindness as a part of self-compassion to me is treating ourselves as we would a best friend. Think about the words you use towards yourself when you make a mistake. Some words that have come to my mind are "you're so stupid," "why did you do that, now no one will like you," and "why even bother, you won't get it right anyway." Even as I write those words I feel sad. I would NEVER say any of those words to another human, let alone my best friend. So why would it ever be okay to say them to myself. The thing with how we treat ourselves is that on some level, it will be the message that we eventually send to others around us through our body language, tone of voice, worrying. My tip to start, right away, on more kindness towards yourself is AS SOON AS you hear any unkind words towards yourself, STOP. Then ask yourself "How would I treat a best friend who is going through this situation?" And go with those words towards yourself. Notice what happens as you keep practicing this.
COMMON HUMANITY
Yes! I love this trait of compassion. I mean, come on, out of 7 billion people on this planet I'm really the ONLY ONE going through this or has ever experienced this. (I just fell on the floor from laughing so hard at this). We are ALL humans. That means we make mistakes, we aren't perfect, our minds are tools that love to take over the driver's seat, we have amazing strengths and sometimes those very strengths can be part of our misery, we are able to feel immensely, and, again, we all make mistakes...it's a big part of how we learn and grow. This one reminder can help to step back, look at the reality of the challenge we might be facing, and then ask, "Ok, so how am I going to meet this challenge or mistake," instead of berating ourselves into no action and self-pity.
REMEMBER: A mistake is a LEARNING. That's the new definition. Use it! Use it with yourself and use it with your children.
MINDFULNESS
Mindfulness, to me, means awareness and self-responsibility. To change our ways of thinking, believing and behaving that we are tired of, we have to be aware when we are in those patterns. We have to be aware in order to learn what triggers those patterns. We have to be aware in order to try another thought, belief, or action. It takes practice, practice, practice. And we will fall back into old patterns, which gives us the opportunity to remember that mistakes are learnings and be our own best friend.
Taking responsibility can create a lot of fear and anxiety AND it is where empowerment comes from. Owning our mistakes, owning our emotions, thoughts and beliefs that are currently happening, owning the present moment all help towards conscious change.
Start practicing this by noticing your reactions to your children's behaviors. Question yourself. Why did that situation bring up that emotion up? Why did that bring up the urge to ___ in me? Is there another way to look at that situation? Where is the learning here? And notice what opens up to you by doing this.
Make Self-Compassion your number one priority. Don't go another moment without thinking about it and practicing it. Your world will change just with this. And Dr. Kristin Neff's website has even more ways to practice self-compassion, www.self-compassion.org.
Love unites! Fear Divides! Where is your relationship with your child?
Dr. Kristen Neff, who has made her lifework out of focusing on self-compassion (and has a wonderful website www.self-compassion.org), defines compassion into three different parts: Kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness. I love this because I think it makes the practice and understanding of self-compassion much more accessible.
KINDNESS
Kindness as a part of self-compassion to me is treating ourselves as we would a best friend. Think about the words you use towards yourself when you make a mistake. Some words that have come to my mind are "you're so stupid," "why did you do that, now no one will like you," and "why even bother, you won't get it right anyway." Even as I write those words I feel sad. I would NEVER say any of those words to another human, let alone my best friend. So why would it ever be okay to say them to myself. The thing with how we treat ourselves is that on some level, it will be the message that we eventually send to others around us through our body language, tone of voice, worrying. My tip to start, right away, on more kindness towards yourself is AS SOON AS you hear any unkind words towards yourself, STOP. Then ask yourself "How would I treat a best friend who is going through this situation?" And go with those words towards yourself. Notice what happens as you keep practicing this.
COMMON HUMANITY
Yes! I love this trait of compassion. I mean, come on, out of 7 billion people on this planet I'm really the ONLY ONE going through this or has ever experienced this. (I just fell on the floor from laughing so hard at this). We are ALL humans. That means we make mistakes, we aren't perfect, our minds are tools that love to take over the driver's seat, we have amazing strengths and sometimes those very strengths can be part of our misery, we are able to feel immensely, and, again, we all make mistakes...it's a big part of how we learn and grow. This one reminder can help to step back, look at the reality of the challenge we might be facing, and then ask, "Ok, so how am I going to meet this challenge or mistake," instead of berating ourselves into no action and self-pity.
REMEMBER: A mistake is a LEARNING. That's the new definition. Use it! Use it with yourself and use it with your children.
MINDFULNESS
Mindfulness, to me, means awareness and self-responsibility. To change our ways of thinking, believing and behaving that we are tired of, we have to be aware when we are in those patterns. We have to be aware in order to learn what triggers those patterns. We have to be aware in order to try another thought, belief, or action. It takes practice, practice, practice. And we will fall back into old patterns, which gives us the opportunity to remember that mistakes are learnings and be our own best friend.
Taking responsibility can create a lot of fear and anxiety AND it is where empowerment comes from. Owning our mistakes, owning our emotions, thoughts and beliefs that are currently happening, owning the present moment all help towards conscious change.
Start practicing this by noticing your reactions to your children's behaviors. Question yourself. Why did that situation bring up that emotion up? Why did that bring up the urge to ___ in me? Is there another way to look at that situation? Where is the learning here? And notice what opens up to you by doing this.
Make Self-Compassion your number one priority. Don't go another moment without thinking about it and practicing it. Your world will change just with this. And Dr. Kristin Neff's website has even more ways to practice self-compassion, www.self-compassion.org.
Love unites! Fear Divides! Where is your relationship with your child?
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