Treat Yourself as a Best Friend

Within my own thoughts and listening to what others have shared about their own thoughts, it's apparent that we are our own worst enemy. Negative self-talk keeps us stuck in the mire of worthlessness, "not good enough," and allows fear to be in the driver's seat of our behaviors.  The flip side of this is that we can also be our own best friend that lifts us up, empowers us, and helps to connect with peace in how we talk to ourselves.

Masuro Emoto is a Japanese researcher, who does research on water molecules and has written a number of books on his findings.  One I like is "The Hidden Messages of Water."  In this book, he describes one of his research projects in which he labels one container of water, "Thank You," and the another container of water, "You Fool." Every time he and his research assistants pass these containers, they give the statement to each container respectively.  After some time, he looked at the water molecules under a microscope and saw two very different things despite the water being from the same source. The one labelled, "Thank You," was a beautiful crystal shape, like a snowflake.  The one labelled, "You Fool," had no specific shape, just a shapeless blob.  This made me think of how we are made up of 60-70% water and how self-talk affects the body on a cellular level.

The fact is, whether we are conscious or not about the thoughts and self-talk going on in our mind, it affects our physical and mental wellbeing.  I've been experimenting with this first hand.  I've had some medical issues with my right ear that increased dramatically this past fall and has continued to fluctuate.  With some of the treatment I've been doing with acupuncture, craniosacral therapy, and Ayurveda, I've become aware of how my thoughts can increase and decrease some of the symptoms.  When I start to worry about to do lists, my mind thinking about lots of things at once, the symptoms increase.  When I work on breathing, staying present and calm, the symptoms decrease.  Just from this, I'm even more of a firm believer that rooting out negative thinking towards ourselves, as well as about the world, helps  to come to a more compassionate and loving mindset.  It is imperative to change this in order to feel more lasting peace and contentment.

One practice of compassion that I find helpful is becoming my own best friend.  When there's a challenge or you've made a mistake, stop and think about how you would treat a best friend in that situation and what you would say.  Chances are if someone were telling you, "You, suck.  You can't do anything right.  What's wrong with you. No one likes you," most likely you wouldn't keep them around as a friend.  It's not okay for us treat ourselves like this either.  Listen to what you would say to a best friend - "It's going to be okay.  We all make mistakes.  This can be fixed.  I've had this happen to me too."  Notice what it does for you.  At first it may feel awkward and like you don't deserve it because it's different than how you've been talking to yourself.  Keep at it and notice what happens over a couple of weeks.  I know for me I can physically feel my body relax, I'm filled with love and support, and whatever happened becomes smaller to face and I can let go of it much more easily.

YOU DESERVE COMPASSION AND KIND TALK.

Energy Flows Where Awareness Goes

In light of a recent death of a 12-year-old by suicide in my rural, mountain community and the recent school shootings in Florida, the topic of fear is on the forefront of my mind.  The U.S. has evolved into a fear-based, take-no-responsibility culture and what we are witnessing on a national level is a reflection of this collective mindset.  I think I can safely say that we don’t like it, we want to change and we feel at a loss for how to change it.  I’m going to propose some practices that I believe can help, though it’s not a quick fix solution and frankly, we didn’t get here overnight so a quick-fix solution won’t do anyway.  This is about a creating a cultural shift that begins in with each one of us.

 

 

 Energy flows where awareness goes.

Let’s start with Fear.  Fear is just an emotion like all the other emotions. It’s what we allow fear to do that is the problem.  First, we aren’t even aware fear is in the driver’s seat, but it is.  When we react impulsively from the emotion, our energy continues to flow into fear, which creates more fear.  My husband had a wonderful experience with this over the past week.  One of his students was obsessively checking her phone during his class to find out “what’s going on with the shooting.”  He went over to her and said, “Stop. First, there isn’t going to be any new news every few seconds.  Try just checking between classes if you have to, though once a day is just fine.  Second, do what you can by being kind to those around you here.  Go to the person who looks like they are having a bad day and talk to them.”  He reported she paused and said, “Yea.” 

This is such a good example of how focusing on the fear can consume us, create obsessiveness, react, react, react and end up feeling overwhelmed and powerless.  My teacher, Prasad Rangnekar, says, “Fear Divides, Love Unites.”  Think about that statement and reflect on what our society feels like right now…pretty divided.

Then we come to take-no-responsibility.  I had the opportunity to live out of the country for two years in India, a culture much different from the U.S.  When we came back, one of the first things I noticed, in the airport, were all the advertisements for attorneys…everywhere.  There were NONE of these in India.  Now I don’t think having no access for help from wrong doing is good, but I can certainly say we in America have taken it to extremes. It's to the point that we rarely take responsibility for anything.  Just look at our political system today.  It’s a blame game, take no responsibility, admit no wrong and ‘the people’ are frustrated and angry about this.  I ask you this: Are you taking responsibility for yourself, your actions, your judgements…?  Most likely not.  When we blame, we give ourselves the message, “I’m not responsible,” which ends up being disempowering.  It ends up with a sense of powerlessness.  Be honest.  Do you feel this often?  If so, you aren’t taking responsibility. 

REMEMBER: what is happening at a national level is a reflection of when is happening, collectively, with each individual.

So, WHAT TO DO?

 

Energy flows were awareness goes.

Where do you want your energy to flow?  My guess is to feel more at peace, more content, and more joy.  So, let’s get to it! 

1.       TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

The first step is to start taking responsibility.  YOU have a part in this, YOU are responsible for working towards this new mind state, YOU have to take the action steps.  It’s not always easy, it’s not always fun and it TAKES TIME.  All of us have been born into this cultural mindset and we all have parts of it that come from fear and not-taking-responsibility.  Think about a large tree that has been growing for hundreds of years and you realize it’s no longer healthy, so you decided it's to get rid of it.  When you think about getting rid of this tree, does it instantaneously happen?  No!  That’s the beginning!  You have to start with the branches, cutting those away.  Then slowly work down the trunk and those are the easy parts!  Next is moving into the roots, which are deep and strong.  It takes time to work through those, uprooting and getting as much as you can, continuing to uncover more and more of the root system.  It’s the same process with changing mindset.  We have one mindset that has been occurring for decades and it takes time and effort, but the work creates empowerment, freedom, and movement towards peace, contentment and joy.

2.       AWARENESS

The beginning of the journey is awareness.  We can’t change what we aren’t aware of.  I can’t start cutting down the tree by starting at its roots.  I’m going to start with what I’m aware of and continue to take responsibility to become more aware of the layers (self-understanding) to focus on.  There are many ways to practice awareness in the body, breath and mind.  Start with some of Samya Yoga's YouTube Videos for practice.

3.       SLOWING DOWN

I order for awareness to grow, we have to become quieter and still because inner awareness is the key.  When I can feel in my body and breath what fear feels like, I can learn to pause and listen to what thoughts come along with these sensations and emotions.  I am now meeting fear and can take the step to consciously choose how I want to respond versus react.  Most our lives are on the go, rush here and rush there, and we collapse at the end of the day (and for some the mind keeps running).  It is imperative that you start to slow down.  Find moments to pause, breath, notice your body, close your eyes.  Put time in the week that is to do nothing, just pause and relax.  Relax by listening to soothing music, breathe, or listen to a guided meditation.

4.       BREATHE

One of the easiest and most accessible tool to us for slowing down and relaxing is the breath.  It’s always with us.  Set an alarm on your phone or watch to remind you to pause and breathe every hour.  Start your day off or end your day with a breathing practice.  In these modern times, we do not breathe fully.  With the rushing, we are in hyper-arousal mode, which means we breathe through our mouths and just into the upper chest.  In turn, we aren’t getting enough oxygen and our whole body system, especially the nervous system and brain, are over stimulated.  Learning and practicing to breathe fully can instantaneously help everything to slow down and move into a clearer mind state.

5.       The Practice of GRATITUDE

When we are coming from fear, our mind usually is thinking about lack, what we don’t have.  Shift that awareness to gratitude, what you do have and what you are thankful for, and watch the energy flow into a more peaceful and joyful place.  We are living in abundance, it’s just a fear-based mind state distracts us from remembering this. 

These are all places to start to create the change you’d like to see in everyone.  It begins with us and it takes practice, practice, practice.  Move from fear and powerlessness to a more loving, compassionate state of mind and watch the ripple affect start to happen.  Each of us creates the world we live in.  Take action and be a part of the change!

 

 

A morning reminder

I was reading out of a daily meditation book this morning, "Opening Doors Within," and the last two sentences struck me: "Keep your mind alert and you can never grow old.  The fountain of youth is your consciousness; the joy of living is the elixir of life."  In studying Ahimsa, the practice of rooting out even the most subtle thoughts of 'violence' or negativity towards ourselves and others is the heart of this practice.  I'm reminded of Masuro Emoto's research on water crystals, specifically the one where he taped "Thank you" to one jar of water and "You fool" to another.  What he saw under the microscope highlights the affect of words/thoughts/energy on water. The water crystals for "Thank you" were like a beautiful snowflake.  The water crystals for "You fool" had no shape and were just a formless mass.  We are made up of 60-70% water, so think of the affect we have on a cellular level on our bodies when we 'beat ourselves up' with our words, thoughts, and beliefs.  The daily meditation quote is a reminder to me of the utmost importance of practicing an attitude of love and compassion towards ourselves, others and all beings.  This is a big part of what keeps us young and enjoying the wonders of each day as the unfold.  How lucky we are to be alive and experiencing it all! 

This is also a reminder to me that no matter what the external landscape is (fear, anger, negativity), it is our responsibility to find ways to meet it with love and compassion for our own wellbeing and for the energy we put out into the world.  We all know what it feels like to have someone's negative reaction to fly at us or fill a room.  We don't want to add to it!  Send that person thoughts of love, healing and peace.  Then move on.  Don't get sucked into another person's darkness as we have enough of our own darkness to manage and shift.  Remember, "Begin Within."

What comes to mind when you read this daily meditation quote?

The Process of Change

I have been talking about the process of change often as of late.  Usually when I find myself talking about a topic often, it is a sign that it's something I need to remind myself of and there is a collective need for it.

Change is inevitable.  It's one of the guarantees of life.  (FYI, taxes aren't a guarantee. They are a social construct and there are many places on this earth where there aren't taxes collected.  Most of those are places you probably don't want to live...just saying).  Change and the change process is also something we humans try to control.  Either change is happening that we label as "bad" and don't want, or we want something to change and want it to change NOW!  Usually the result is anger, agitation, anxiety, or depression when we try to make reality fit into what we want.  Really, we all aren't too much further off a two year old mentality when this happens. I laugh when I'm able to see my reaction as a visual of myself on the floor, kicking and screaming.

What I've learned about change:

1. Again, it's going to happen no matter what.  Change starts on the physical level from the day one little sperm connects with the ovum. It doesn't even end when we die because the physical form continues to decay long after we have left the body.  Our emotions constantly change throughout the day, sometimes within a second.  Our beliefs change.  Just think about childhood stories that we believed until one day we discover that story actually isn't true (think tooth fairy). Or what we believe today most likely isn't going to be exactly the same as in five years.  Look outside and just observe nature, which is constantly changing.  The best thing we can do for ourselves is start to work on ACCEPTANCE that change will happen.
2. Change is a process.  We have conditioned ourselves to expect things to happen now and happen quickly.  From moving website to website, to ordering something, to accomplishing a task, to getting from point "A" to point "B."  In this conditioning, we have moved further and further from our internal world (where we do have control) to the external world (where we don't have control).  I love the example of pregnancy.  Want a child? You have to go through the process of conceiving, gestation for nine months, and then the birth.  Even adopting a child is a long process.  One doesn't get to decide one wants a baby and then you get one.  There's no way to speed up the birth process.  We accept the process and go with it. We need patience, slowing down to take each day as it comes, and enjoying the small steps that move us in the change process.  When I'm able to do these things, I'm more successful in moving towards the change I desire.
3. Self-compassion is vital in the change process.  We are human beings, like the other 7 billion humans on this planet currently.  We deserve kindness when we make mistakes.  Being able to send POSITIVE energy towards ourselves and out into the world is going to helps up go towards where we want to go, rather than the negative energy that points our ships to the very things we don't want. When riding a bike, if you look at the rock you want to avoid you will hit it. You want to look to where you want to go. If you had a close friend who had made a mistake, what would you say to them?  Would you say, "You are so stupid.  I can't believe you did that?  You can't do anything right!"  If you did, you probably wouldn't have many friends.  So, why is it okay to say these things to ourselves?  It's not, at all, ever.  Are you helping yourself learn and move forward saying these negative, hurtful words?  What needs to be said to learn and move forward?
4. Enjoy the change!  How dull life would be if it were exactly the same, day in and day out?  I worked in a jail over the past five years and most people who spend time in jail get to experience this "ground hog day."  They would tell you that it's no way to live.  Whatever the change, it is there as an opportunity to learn and grow, whether it feels positive or challenging.  In fact, the challenging changes are the best kind of change because we get to stretch.  Kind of like an animal that sheds its skin.  When we are faced with a challenge, meet it, work through it and learn something new. It's like we are shedding the old so that we can be in this new 'skin.'  It can be incredibly empowering. 

So when you find yourself getting resistant, agitated or the urge to crawl in a whole when change is occurring, try something different.  Stop, breath, and CHANGE your perception on whatever is happening through self-compassion and see how it feels.  The only thing we have control over changing is ourselves. Seasons will change, mistakes will happen, things will wear out and the way we meet it all is what matters most.

Setting an intention for the new year

The new year is fast approaching and the time to set a New Year's Resolution is here.  I propose something a little different, more in line with a yoga mindset of compassion...setting an intention.

A resolution, at least the way it seems to be done, is to say, "I'm going to workout 3 times a week."  Then you buy your gym membership, do it for two weeks, start to slip and by February the mindset is, "screw it."  It seems to be a more black and white thinking, either you 'do it or you don't' mentality, which I have found for myself to be unsuccessful. Because changing habits takes time and you will falter, and that's okay.  Just get back up and try again and you will slowly move towards changing habits.

I encourage setting an intention that is more about the internal instead of external because the external is not something we have control over.  For example, instead of "I will exercise three times a week," creating an intention of "I will live a more healthy lifestyle."  This not only includes exercise, but also what you eat and how you treat yourself and others.  That way when you have a day that is difficult to get to the gym, you can still focus on eating healthy and being kind to yourself, as well as just going for a walk around the neighborhood.  When you have an urge to skip the workout, eat five cookies, or lash out at someone, the intention of living a healthy lifestyle can help guide you to make a more conscious choice.  "I'm tired, so instead of the to gym workout, I'm going to go for a walk."  "One cookie is enough and I'm going to savor it...or maybe I'm just going to eat and apple instead."  "I'm really upset what that person did!  I'm going to go for a walk and let it settle and decide how to address it."  An intention can help to slow our impulses down and more consciously decide about what action we want to take.

An intention fits better in working towards something using a more compassionate mindset. A compassionate mind set is one that includes kindness to self and others, remembering common humanity and mindfulness.  These are three traits that Kristin Neff of www.self-compassion.org has found to be key in creating self-compassion.  With an intention, if there is a day of struggle, instead of feeling like a failure and giving up, a compassionate mindset allows for exploration.  Use mindfulness to get curious.  Why do I feel unmotivated today?  What do I need to do to take care of myself so that I can come back to my intention? I am a human being and that means I will have ups and downs, I will make mistakes and that is okay.  How can I learn from the ups and downs and mistakes to move forward?

I've used setting intentions for the past few years and at the end of the year, it's been amazing to look back on the journey and see how far I've come to that intention.  It's been uplifting and empowering.  The first intention I started with was a sentence from my first yoga teacher training with my teacher, Prasad Rangnekar.  "I'm 100% responsible for my life."  I kept saying this to myself, had it posted up to read every day and remind myself of it. When I had to face a challenging situation or felt emotion rise up in my body or noticed a thought of judgement, I came back to this sentence and it helped me to go inward and learn more about my own patterns, rather than just blame others and get bogged down in anger and resentment.  It's still one of my main practices and has served me well.  I know that I have control over how I meet every situation and it has been empowering.  Since it was an intention rather than a resolution, I've stuck with it and I keep coming back to it because it is a practice not a perfect.

May you enjoy setting an intention for the new year!

Abundance versus Fear

The theme of abundance versus fear has been an area of focus this past year in my life through my study of the Yamas and Niyamas.  The Yama of Brahmacharya or Nonexcess speaks to this.  We live in a culture where most things are done in excess in order to strive to be number one, whether it be a big house, the best car, the most fit, or consuming to find that 'thing' that will fill your heart's desire so that you can finally be at peace.  I am in awe at living in an area that many people have at least a one car garage, yet the vehicle is parked outside because the garage is too full of stuff.  We seem to be unable to let go of things "we might need later" as a way to feel safe and secure. 

When I lived in India, the realization that most people live in 1-3 room homes with 4 plus people and function quite well made me realize the excess and waste I live in.  I was curious to why this is.  One of my conclusions comes back to I come from a nation that lives in fear.  No other nation on this planet has the litigation system we have.  No other nation has such a complex tax system.  No other nation has such a massive military.  No other nation consumes as much stuff per capita. I believe this is due to fear.  All you have to do is turn on the TV to see in advertisements the things that you are missing to make your life complete or the doomsday drama of 24 hour news.  All of this leads to a focus on lack which creates insecurity and fear. We struggle to slow down and enjoy life by just relaxing because of this too.  We struggle to feel good enough or worthy enough because we are constantly being told we aren't.

The only way to change this is to take responsibility and start to practice abundance.  What I mean by this is to be aware, daily, of all that you do have, all that is going well, and that you are okay right now.  Here are some specific practices that have helped me to focus on abundance:

1. Limit media/ screen time.  Take a moment to really average how much TV and social media time you spend a day and then commit to cutting it down.  I've really come to see the news like a soap opera.  You can tune in once or twice a week and you really haven't missed a whole lot.  We live in a time that information is at our fingertips, 24 hours a day.  It can become addicting and overwhelming.  It feel like the world is the worst it's ever been in the history of mankind.  The truth is that the world has always had wars, greed, and corruption.  The difference is that we have access to all of it all the time. The problem is that we end up tuning out to our own lives and the relationships around us that help us to feel connected and loved.  Instead, use some of this time to read a book, play a game with your family, start a hobby.  Be active in your life rather than just a bystander.

2. SLOW DOWN.  I can not emphasize the importance of this.  Our go, go, go lifestyle puts our blinders on and we forget to just pause and enjoy this amazing earth we live on.  How to do this?  Set an alarm on your phone or watch that reminds to to stop and take 5-10 deep breaths.  Go for a walk and be aware of nature around you, breathe the fresh air.  Have a morning routine that allows you to move slow and relax into your day.  Stop planning every moment.  Schedule in a relaxing family or friend night.  Meditate!  There are a number of great apps out there now with wonderful guided meditations like Insight Timer, Headspace and Stop, Think, Breathe.  This is the most important way to practice slowing down. Take time to breathe!

3. Gratitude. Each day, take a moment to write or say what you are grateful for.  Here's a good template for this: I am grateful for _______, because ________.  The area of Positive Psychology reports that being grateful every day is part of what helps people to feel happy and content consistently. 

4.  When buying things, stop and ask yourself, "do I really need this?"  Our culture thrives on impulsive consuming as a way to feel good about ourselves or show our love.  I have found more peace in not buying something because it's a conscious choice, I'm reminded what I already have and don't need more of, I don't feel regretful after spending money on something frivolous, and it's helped to remind me that peace comes from within, not from the outside.

5.  Practice being in the present moment.  The easiest way to start this practice is pausing during the day to take deep breaths, feeling and being aware of each one.  Also, taking time to check-in to different body parts and notice sensations that might be happening there.  Guided ways to do this are yoga nidra and progressive muscle relaxation.  Click here for my yoga nidra audio recording on YouTube.

These are just some of the ways to practice abundance.  Try something each day and notice how it affects your attitude and outlook on the world.  We need to commit to going to abundance and not living from a place of fear we've been conditioned to do. Begin Within!

The practice of yoga is available at any moment

As I am working on expanding services that Samya Yoga Healing offers, I'm reminded constantly how every moment is a learning and opportunity to move past limiting patterns, which is the heart of yoga.

I would describe myself as having a tendency towards being an introvert, autonomous, and loyal.  The first surprises most people, but is true.  I am someone who enjoys being alone and being alone helps to recharge my batteries.  When I'm contacting a lot, putting myself out there, I can end up getting tired, more anxious and overwhelmed...even if  I'm having fun.  I tend to want to do things on my own and learn by researching and doing...thus it can be hard to ask for help.  When a person enters my world, I am there to support and empathize.  When I find a service that I love, I tout them to the moon and back.  This can also make it hard for me to change a service, even if it's in my best interest.

These three patterns have had many opportunities to expand and change over the past few years with starting and expanding Samya Yoga Healing.  It's been challenging at times, but once I'm through it, I'm so grateful for my comfort zone being pushed and I feel empowered.

I had one of those times today.  If you go to my website, you'll see that in the future, I will be offering some online courses.  I was so excited when I decided I wanted to pursue this.  I started to brainstorm what these courses would look like, feeling more confident.  Then I came up to the, "how do I actually do this?" I started researching a quickly became overwhelmed as this is a new area for me, especially on the tech side.  In the past, my interactions with technology that is new would lead to feeling overwhelmed. I would be filled with anger and frustration, self-doubt, and wanting to just give it the middle finger. But, in my goals with Samya Yoga Healing, I've learned that this doesn't help and keeps me stuck by not taking any action. 

What's helped me most is pushing the boundary of "I can do it myself" to asking for help so that I can do it myself.  I even used technology to help with a lot of this. Just by using search engines to ask questions and then getting my answer, I've learned quite a lot.  Wow! There are people out there posting so many resources to answer almost any question you could imagine.  This fits well with my tendency to be more autonomous, not having to call or talk with someone to get that answer. 

Today though, this was not the solution.  I had been thinking about contacting the customer support for my website hosting for a few weeks, but all those self-doubt thoughts kept me from doing it.  "What if my question is stupid?  What if they can't help me?  Will I have to change everything and that will be so much work!"   Today, I did it.  I called the number and my self-doubt and fear were quickly shown their predictions were completely false.  The tech support was supportive, helpful, and he's now my contact guy for any questions I have in the future.  He was excited about what I'm doing and looking forward to helping me make my goals happen in a cost effective way.  There's that empowerment feeling again! Also gratitude, and humor at how much my limiting thoughts kept me from doing this before. 

What does this have to do with yoga?  Yoga is the practice of self-awareness to notice how sensations in the body, breath, and mind are either moving us toward or keeping us away from who we truly are and our full potential.  What I went through today, pushing through the fear to ask for help and trying something new, opened up possibilities and gave another experience in how self-doubt is not my truth.  If I had listened to it, I would have continued to be in the misery of wanting to create online courses and being stuck in taking a step forward in making it happen and feeling more and more like maybe it's not possible.  Taking a breath and making that phone call broke through the block and I'm flowing again.

Remember, yoga is not just a physical posture class you go to a few times a week.  It can be a lifestyle and daily practice, at any point in the day, that moves us towards self-transformation and a more content, peaceful existence.