What the heck really is meditation anyways?

Meditation, Mindfulness, Mindful Awareness are terms we see a lot in mainstream media.  There's lots of research out there showing these things are good for our minds as well as for our overall health and well being. There are many apps out there now for guided meditations for everything under the sun.  You've most likely experienced guided meditation somewhere at this point.

But, when trying meditation without a guide, things can feel a lot different.  The mind gets active, going all over the place, maybe thoughts of, "Am I even doing this right?"  Then finally throwing the hands up and stating, "I can't meditate because my mind just won't stop thinking!"  You may even feel like something is wrong with you because you've seen others just sitting there all 'zenned out' or people proclaiming how 'wonderful' their meditation practice was and you feel anything but wonderful.

I have found that the first step to your own personal, stillness meditation practice is learning what meditation actually is to let go of expectations that are common and keep fueling the belief that "I'm not good at meditation."

My background is in yogic meditation, so this is the lens I will speaking from.

1. The first step in meditation is Dharana or single-minded focus, which actually means the practice

of concentration.  No one's mind is still when they first start meditating!  The practice starts with deciding on one thing you will practice concentrating on.  It can be the breath, it can be a mantra, it can be body sensations, it can be an image...there are many things to choose from.  It's deciding on one thing and then just keep practicing it.

2. So, once you've choose your point of concentration, you will sit quietly focusing on it.  And GUESS WHAT?! Your mind WILL wander.  The mind's job is to think and expecting to just sit down, have the mind blissful clear in moments is just plain silly.  It's like looking at a fish and getting upset that it can't swim.  Really?! 

So, please, just let that expectation go.  When you are AWARE the mind has wandered, then you can gently guide the mind back to the object of focus.  It's a CELEBRATION that you realized the mind wandered because you can now redirect the focus back.  Getting upset the mind has wandered does no good at all, so no need to judge yourself over it any longer.

3.  OVER TIME...let me say this again...over time..and with practice, practice, practice, the mind will be able to concentrate for longer and longer periods of time until...WOW, you suddenly are aware that the mind was gone or rather melted with the point of concentration with no difference between you and that focus point.  Of course, with that awareness you are back to practicing concentration again.😊

4. Dhyana is the happening of meditation.  The moments when you move from concentration to being just happen. Sleep is a good analogy because we don't do sleep, it just happens. The doing of sleep is preparing for bed, getting comfortable, closing the eyes and then...you wake up. Sleep just happened. Same with meditation. We DO concentration and BEING happens (again, over time and with practice).

The more you practice, the more these moments happen and for longer periods.


Now that you know the expectation to do meditation 'right' is to sit down and the mind to magically clear right away is completely false, my hope is that if you have tried meditation before, you'll try again with a different mindset.  If you haven't tried stillness meditation before, you'll start by being more realistic and kind to yourself.

The very AWESOME thing about the practice of concentration (also known as mindfulness or mindful awareness) is that, when practiced regularly and consistently, it quickly helps the mind slow down and calm down much more easily in daily life. You don't have to be in that being state to see positive changes in your daily life.  Just start and keep doing it...I promise (and I don't make many promises) that you will be amazed at the changes you experience how you meet the world and challenges in life.  I can vouch as it's profoundly changed my life.

I have MANY more tips and tools to help with a personal, stillness meditation practice at home, so if you are ready to experience more calm and peace in meeting life's challenges so you can feel more content, compassionate and clarity every day...

Lessons from a Pandemic

Almost a month into COVID-19 escalating in my community, I am thankful to my daily yoga practice and the yogic path for self-transformation.  This path has allowed my mind to be in a mindset to view this virus and its global reach as a time for self-reflection, gratitude and staying focus on lessons this time may hold for me.  I wanted to share the lessons and reminders it has helped me connect with so far.

THE BASIC REMINDERS

Coming back to basics in daily life is essential in managing mood and well being.

Routine. When the external motivators for routine have been taken away, it is up to us to keep our routine going so that we are taking care of ourselves and stay grounded rather than feeling lost in the space of time and uncertainty.

• At least Monday through Friday, get up the same time you would for work. 
• Do your morning routine of showering and getting dressed (for me this includes doing my sadhana - spirital practice - every morning). 
• Eat meals at the same time.
• If you aren't working right now, find other activities to engage in that don't include plopping down in front of a screen -see the next point. How many times have you wished to have more time for a hobby, with family, reading, etc?  Your wish is ranted, so take advantage of it.  
• Limit time with screens!! The research is conclusive that excessive screen time causes depression. If you are working, most likely it's online, so think about how much screen time you are getting right now.  Do other activities with family like puzzles, games, art projects, cooking instead of just watching TV.
• Get regular exercise.
• Get to bed at your regular time.

For me, staying in routine is actually a practice of meditation (keeping the mind focused), being responsible for myself, and self-discipline. The mind loves to make excuses to fall into excess inaction, which can lead to a low mood.

WE ARE SOCIAL CREATURES

As humans, we are social creatures and being able to connect with others is important. With social distancing, we have to get creative in interacting with others.

Online platforms.  We are lucky to live in a time where interacting online is readily available.  Take advantage of the options to interact live and the multitude of free ways available. What's App, Skype and Facetime are just a few. 

Get groups together! I have been doing some mini jam sessions with a few friends on Zoom.  I've heard of people doing dinner parties and game nights with friends online.  Get creative and get connected!

Give! Again, get creative here. I've seen people dropping baked goods off to neighbors and friends. In my area, a woman dressed up as Olaf and walked her neighborhood waving and showing positive signs to neighbors in their homes.  When we give and uplift, it's contagious! Give online through Facebook and Instagram Live posts...share your talents!

Be conscious of the energy you are connect to. This is where we have control. We get to choose if we are connecting with positive people or negative, fearful people.  We also get to choose what message we are sending out to the world!  Remember, what we put out is what we get back.


GO INWARD - The importance of a daily practice

Taking time for yourself, to give back to yourself, to be with yourself, and to cultivate a friendship with yourself is important. When we come back to what is happening right now, in this moment, as well as being okay with whatever emotions and reactions come up, it helps to remain more calm, cultivate more compassion and gratitude, and respond rather than react.  We all need more of this right now and our stay at home orders and social isolation means there's more time to practice.

Here are some resources to start practicing!

Coming into the present, a guided meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdSO-RXEfyM&t=2s.  I start all my sessions and workshops with this meditation and people love it!

Compassion meditation, a guided meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fn89wr_L3g&t=16s. Compassion is a main practice of most religions and spiritual paths. In the modern world, we are more conditioned to the opposite of compassion - separateness, self-doubt, and mindless actions.  Start changing that!

Noticing and being with emotions, guided: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mbis9TReMgI&t=4s.  I have been practicing this with ALL my individual clients the past couple of weeks.  If you can learn to be with what is arising within, what is reacting, you can be empowered to choose to consciously respond to life challenges in a way you feel good about.

Insight Timer, an awesome meditation app that's free. It's the one I use daily. It has tens of thousands of meditations, calming music, chanting and a timer for guided or stillness meditation. (I have no business ties to this app...I just really like it and recommend it).

AND TWO UPCOMING ONLINE WAYS TO LEARN MORE WITH ME!

The Breath Workshop: Join me in learning how to use the most readily available and effective tool for calming the mind...the breath!  April 4th, 9-10am MST, Free.  Sign Up Here!

Learn to Meditate! A 4 week, online course with Twyla Gingrich. Starts April 7th!  Click Here for more information!

I encourage everyone to reflect on with current changes, what is going well?  What are you grateful for right now because of the pandemic?  What are your personal lessons?  Let's learn from this and let this time lift us up!

Namaste, Twyla

Yoga and COVID-19

What does yoga have to do with COVID-19?  Everything!

That's the amazing thing about this 2000 year old path of self-transformation...it continues to be valid and helpful today.  Yoga is much more than just a physical practice, though the asanas (yoga postures) are a fitting way for our modern society to start connecting with tools of yoga.  For those of you have done a yoga asana class, or a few, or keep coming back to it, or its a part of your weekly routine, what did you get out of it?

Most of my students remark not only on the changes they see in flexibility and strength in their bodies, but also feeling more calm, centered, and present.  And the poses are just the tip of the iceberg!

Diving deeper into the other parts of yoga with pranayama (breath practices), Yamas and Niyamas (ethical practices) and Dharana/ Dhyana (meditation), has helped me to have more lasting periods of feeling content, able to be in the present where anxiety and depression disappear, and less judging of myself and others.

With the current, global pandemic of COVID-19, these practices help to connect back to facts, identify what we can control, and focus on keeping a calm, clear mind to help ourselves and others.

Fear is playing a big role right now and relishes in it's power.  Fear has allowed some minds to dive into paranoia due to feeling powerless and uncertain of the future with reactionary behaviors that may actually be more detrimental to overall health.  Don't get me wrong, there are millions of people who do have a much higher risk and need to take more strict precautions. Even those who need to do this, the mind clinging to a fearful mind state will not change anything, except overload the body system even more.

Yoga teaches us to take time observe what is going on with our reactions to the external environment and discern what conscious actions to take, responding versus reacting.  Think 'Matrix.'  In the scene where Neo is face to face with Mr. Smith, he incorporates all his training and 'sees' things as they are. His movements are slow and deliberate. He remains calm.  Mr. Smith is COVID-19 (or any other life challenge) and yoga practices allow us to meet it just as Neo did with Mr. Smith.

The challenge really is to put down all the excuses to why you can't start to move your body with more awareness and focus on the breath, or start a breathing practice or meditation practice.  I also feel that a purpose of COVID-19 is to help us see more than ever that we do need to take time to go inward and that the external world is not "Truth," but an opportunity for us to grow and learn to become more fully who we are meant to be.

So, where to start?

Here are some easy things to start doing today:

1. Breathe!!  Simply take time to breath.  What I mean by this is stopping for a moment, start consciously breathing in an out through the nose as this slows down the breath and can be more calming for the mind.  Put your hand on your belly above your navel and start directing the breath to the belly. Inhale and feel the belly push into the hand.  Exhale and the belly relaxes. Set a timer for 3-5 minutes and do this as a daily practice or take time during the day to come back to the breath, breathing this way for 5-10 breaths.  Here's a video on belly breathing.

2. Whatever you are doing - going for a walk, brushing your teeth, doing the dishes - doing it with awareness. Use all of your sense to notice what is going on during these actions. What do you see, what do you feel on your skin, what do you smell, what do you hear, what do you taste?  What feelings are coming up?  What thoughts?  Just observe. There's no judgment or right or wrong, just notice.

3. One of the easiest ways to to start meditation is being guided.  It helps to meet a more active mind.  I recommend Insight Timer, a free app, that has tens of thousands of guided meditations, relaxing music, and so much more.  One I specifically recommend is Coherent Breath Symphony by Joseph Robertson. There is great research out there on Coherent Breath, including a wonderful book, "The Healing Power of the Breath," and Robertson's three recordings (a 2 minute explanation, a 9 minute guided meditation, and a 20 minute recording) are helpful in practicing this breath.

4. Join Samya Yoga Healing's private Facebook Group, Yoga and the Mind, to receive even more resources and guidance on this path to mastering the mind for a more calm, peaceful mind state.

Please, let go of excuses and start exploring some of the simple, yet profound practices of yoga.  May you find peace and calm mind. Namaste.

The Reality of Transforming Myself

I recently went through a significant life change, moving from begin an employee since age 16 to fully self-employed.  I'm not through the change yet, but it's been fascinating to watch things unfold, as well as get a glimpse of conditioned patterns I wasn't aware of regarding this role.

I consciously started this process about five years ago after my 300 hour Yoga Teacher Training with the encouragement of my teacher.  I created Samya Yoga Healing and just started taking little steps, trying things out, and seeing what happened.  The scariest part was taking the step to go part-time at my paid job so I could really start to put effort into SYH about two years ago.  In the United States, this means no health care coverage. This was terrifying due to some health issues I was experiencing.  I was lucky to have a spouse with health insurance so it was lower cost, but I still had to come up with the funds to pay my share in addition to all the other bills.  The fear I had in the several months leading up to this change would engulf my like a wave, tossing me around while I tried to fight my way back to the surface to gasp for air.

I had been practicing yoga for long enough that I was fully aware of what was going on with fear and would be able to meet my racing mind with breathing and seeing a bigger picture by coming back to the facts.  The part of me that knew this was the path I wanted and needed to take was stronger than the fear. I also used my support system to talk things through.

And then the day came, the switch happened, and those tumultuous seas quickly calmed.  I made the change, survived, and thrived. 

Two years of becoming focused on the intention of moving full time into SYH, allowed me to make the switch with confidence and clarity.  The transition was very different from going part-time.  I was first struck by the mourning I went through.  I would get emotional thinking about leaving the 'security' of being an employee with a regular pay check, leaving behind co-workers I truly enjoyed, letting go of my role within the organization that I had put so much time an energy into over the years.  All these things I had become attached to as part of my identity. There's still a little of it in my body as I write about it.

Then, there has been a decompression period.  At first, it felt like just going on a vacation, not feeling real yet.  I found myself thinking about things in my previous position. I would catch myself and remind myself that wasn't something I was responsible for anymore.  I was grateful for the change, yet I also found myself still very busy and doing so much...how did that happen?

And there it was.  One of my biggest intentions for making the change was to slow down and do less, yet here I was still doing.  The addiction of doing that is accepted and revered in our society.  I have slowed down so much over the last eight plus years and here was another, more deeper layer of it.  This is the change process.

The awareness that I chronically do too much to prove myself and hide feeling "not good enough" happened YEARS ago.  Eight years ago at my teacher training was just a deeper level of understanding of it.  I come from a long line of 'doers and provers', which I'm sure many of you can identify with.  This recent new level of awareness is an opportunity for me to become more committed and disciplined on forging a new way of being.  It has already allowed me to look directly into those self-defeating thoughts that come up from fear.  Fear of what others will think, fear of failure, fear of dependency, and fear of abandonment. Yes, even after all these years, I'm still learning and becoming aware of this same old pattern.  (And I do this for a living).

I've started to let go of some things and I've started to have some of the space I was envisioning. 

It was striking this Monday.  The start of 'the work week.' It hit me that I don't have to subscribe to the 9 to 5 work week anymore.  What?!  I didn't even think of this! So, I allowed myself a slow morning to take care of me, working in some 'to dos' but doing it in a more relaxed way.  Each day will be different, each week and I can just be with it as it comes. As long as I keep coming back to my yoga sadhana (spiritual practice) each day, remember to be kind and compassionate to myself, and accept the process I know it will all be okay.

I'm so excited to see the next discoveries along this awareness of 'doing too much' and explore a different way of living and being in this life.  Hallelujah for change!!  

Stop Stealing from Yourself - Asteya

Asteya, one of the ethical practices of yoga called Yamas or constraints, is the practice of non-stealing. Now most of us grew up learning that stealing from others is not okay.  We learned at a young age when a playmate or sibiling took a beloved toy, how upsetting it feels to have something taken from us.  I'd call this a basic practice of Asteya, stealing in the physical world.  What Asteya really invites us to take a look at on a deeper, self-transformation level is all the ways we emotionally and energetically steal from others and ourselves.

STEALING FROM OTHERS
When I first read Debora Adele's book "Yamas and Niyamas," (which I highly recommend), the first practice I tried that she suggests in her book was to notice stealing other's stories or 'one -upping'.  I thought this was an interesting concept and could think recognize times when others do this to me,
but I wondered how much I did it to others.  Stealing another's story is when someone shares something about their lives and we end up 'one upping them' by jumping to our own story, whether it's positive or negative.  An example would be this: You share with me that you just had a horrendous time driving in a winter storm and right after you're finished, I immediately tell you about my most horrendous time driving in a winter storm.  It may seem innocent, but how does it make you feel?  For me, when this happens, I feel shut down, unheard, invalidated, and even that my experience doesn't really matter. I find when I'm around others that do this often, I stop sharing about myself.  It leads to feeling disconnected.

Practicing this exercise has helped me (though I'm far from perfect) to just listen and let go of my own story I'm reminded of, to be present for my friend.  In the end, my story is just that, a story that I had long forgotten and sharing it doesn't really make all that much of a difference, except that is steals from another.  I believe that we jump in with our own stories because we feel connected due to a similar experience, but in the end our sharing ends up cutting off that connection.  Are there other ways we can convey the connection we feel instead of interrupting with our own story?

STEALING FROM OURSELVES
The longer I've been practicing the spiritual path of yoga, the more aware I've become of all the layers of how I steal from myself that is ultimately fueled in my own fear of not being ___ enough.  (And the more time I have under my belt in working with others, I realize this fear or a similar version of it, is at the heart of all of most of our suffering).  A few years ago, I was taking a walk in the spring, watching birds doing their thing along the path.  It hit me, these birds aren't sitting around wondering, "Is my wingspan big enough, are my feathers sitting just right, did I lay that grass down for my nest in just the right spot, or am I good enough parent?"  They just do what comes naturally and instinctually.  So do all the plants starting to sprout and the clouds moving across the sky and the insects buzzing around.  I realized I'm the one actually creating, "not enough," which creates self-doubt.  This realization has helped me to practice grounding back into the present by just looking out at nature. Looking at nature helps remind me how to be in the present and in the present I can connect to "I am enough."  What helps you connect back to the present and remember "I am enough?"

Another personal layer of 'not enough' came to my awareness recently.  As suggested by my teacher, I practiced talking to myself in the mirror. When I noticed my mind 'freaking out' (racing thoughts all And, really being honest with myself in this way, I was able to meet the actual issue at hand, feeling totally incompetent, head on to deconstruct the obviously false story my fear had concocted. Within a couple minutes I felt relief, like air being released from a balloon.  This all happened right before bed and I actually slept great that night!
the sudden, ruminating on one topic over and over) one evening, I decided to try something new to practice 'being with it.'  I went into the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror, and started to have a conversation with myself, just like I would with someone I'm working one on one with.  I was shocked by the horrible words that came out of my mouth to describe myself.

These two examples are about how, without even knowing it, the habits, conditionings and beliefs from our life can keep us stuck, limited, and not living our dreams.  I truly believe that most of the mental health issues in our world today come from this self-stealing energy of "not enough" and our behaviors that increase stress in our lives come from trying to avoid looking at the pain of this belief system for fear it will engulf us.  The irony is that it engulfs us if we do not start to courageously look at it and start dealing with it. The very thing we are actively trying to control ends up becoming a reality.

The emotional and energetic stealing we do to others is actually another way we are trying to prove we are enough and avoid the feelings of 'not enough'.  If we can't stop stealing from ourselves, we won't stop stealing from others.

PRACTICING ASTEYA
Here are three Asteya practices in daily life  that helped me in the examples above:

1. Take time to go for walks in nature to be with nature, watching it and expecting it will teach you something.  This is not the same as going into nature to exercise, like running, biking, skiing.  This is
more slow, with lots of pauses, noticing the small wonders in nature.  Remember, everything we experience in this life is an opportunity to funnel through what is not truth and what is TRUE. Nature just keeps doing its thing no matter what state of mind we are in at any given moment.

2. Go to a mirror and start talking to yourself like you would a best friend.  Be honest with what you are really thinking so you can face that fear full on.  I think this is like journaling on steroids.  Looking yourself in the eye is powerful.  This practice is especially important for those of you who, like me, are in a 'caring for others' profession.  Take time to care for yourself!

3. Start paying attention to your reactions to everything!  Asteya challenges us to stop blaming and making excuses for our behaviors and start taking responsibility.  We alone are in charge of creating change in our lives - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  You get angry and yell at someone. Get curious about that reaction. "Why was I so angry? Why? Why?" Keeping asking why and I guarantee you'll connect to the deeper reason, which has nothing to do with the other person.

It's a process, it will take time...lots of time and practice, so let go of trying to be something you aren't and slowly you will be come the most amazing you. I like this acronym for fear: Face Everything And Rise.  Use fear and all the uncomfortable feelings as guides to where you need to look in your life for the stealing you do and that's exactly where the change process begins.  The only way out is through.

Remember, always be kind to yourself as you become aware of the painful parts of the self. We all have these parts and they can be some of our greatest teachers.  Thank these parts!

SATYA (Truthfulness) - A Practice of Self-Love

When we hear the word "Love," many times we think about others.  We have been conditioned to search outside of ourselves for love and that we aren't 'complete' unless we have an 'other.'  Love is taught to be more of a feeling than a state of being.  In America, most of us have been brought up on Disney fairy tales that, historically, have the message of living 'happily ever after' once you find that special 'other,' be it a prince or princess. 

From a yoga perspective, love is a state of mind or being and we all possess the ability to connect to at anytime. Our limiting beliefs, which are more fear-based, keep us either in delusion that we can only find it outside of ourselves or that we aren't worthy or don't deserve to connect to the love that is already us.  The practices of yoga are to unlearn these limiting beliefs and learn practices to help connect more and more to the beings of love we truly are.

One of those practices comes from the Yamas, five of the ten ethical practices of yoga, which is about restraints for 'right living.' Right living is about living a life both externally and internally that connects us more and more to Truth, God, Divine, the Universe, permanence.  For me, a big part of this is coming from a loving, heart-based state of mind when interacting with the world.

SATYA is one of the Yamas, which means Truthfulness, and is an important practice to connect to love, and even more importantly self-love.  If you want to be a more loving being, you must learn to love yourself first. All the negative mind states we find ourselves in with the 'drama' of life come directly from our relationship with ourselves. (That's something to reflect on!)

Satya directs us to consciously be aware of when we are speaking our truth and being authentic, versus not.  In America and many other cultures, we are conditioned that many of our emotions are not okay to express or that we should be able to 'buck up' and get through rough times, which ends up silencing parts of ourselves.  This makes coming from a place of truth a difficult thing.

I know an area in my life where practicing satya has been (and is) important for me is when people ask me to do things. I tend to say 'yes' too quickly and too often, which leads me feeling overwhelmed, spread to thin and anxiety builds to eventually burn out.  My body and mind on a roller coaster.  Others may get their needs met but it's at the cost of my own well being.  Whether this comes from trying to control others viewing me as a 'kind and wonderful person,' proving my worth, or a number of other fear-based beliefs, I've come to realize I can not continue on this way.

If you find yourself relating to this, the practice of saying, 'no,' is important.  Trust me, I know how challenging this can be.  How guilt and self-doubt love to come up when saying 'no', but over time, saying 'no' and dealing with the guilt as it arises has helped me use my time more wisely, have more time to take care of myself and relax, and people actually respect me MORE!  Being truthful (in a respectful manner) has strengthened all my relationships and those relationships that were 'energy suckers' have faded away.  It's a practice of Satya I use every week.

Other practices of Satya:

1.  Taking a pause.  That age old saying of 'just breathe' helps to connect to our truth.  Whether simply taking 3-5 deep breaths before responding or getting into the habit of saying, "let me think about that and get back to you," pausing slows down the impulsive "yes" response.  Also, waiting until initial emotions subside to connect more to facts of reality is another good policy of decision making. It's amazing how much to emotions of excitement and a swing of happiness can sweep us off our feet, causing us to make choices that might not be in our best interest.

2.  A daily meditation practice.  This can be finding a guided meditation you like (Insight Timer is an amazing free app with tens of thousands of guided meditations), a moving meditation practice, a breathing meditation practice, a sitting meditation practice, or just sitting in silence and observing what comes up.  Anyone can access a meditation practice...anyone! 

A regular meditation practice conditions the mind and body to pause, reflect, and let go of our bodies pre-programmed reaction behaviors.  It will change your life, guaranteed.  There's even research out there that shows positive effects up to six months later just from practicing one time. What?! I offer regular meditation workshops or private sessions at www.samyayogahealing.com.

3. Speak up!  So many times it's the things we don't say that we regret later.  Practice saying what you really want, even if it's not what others want.  I can't tell you how many times over my 16 year relationship that I just went with what my partner says, instead of my own gut instinct, and I end up feel resentful and angry. Even just speaking up allows for a conversation.  And yes, this can lead to conflict...and conflict is a part of relationship.  Working through conflict effectively is also a practice of Satya by finding out what you REALLY are reacting to.  Empower yourself to trust yourself by speaking and sharing what you want and need.

I encourage you to choose just one of these practices to focus on for a month and then see where things are at for you in regards to your relationship with yourself.💓

NAMASTE

Twyla

Desire to Change is a Form of Self-Aggression...?

I've been reading"The Five Invitations, Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Fully Living," by Frank Ostaseski, which is a wonderful book and I highly recommend it.  There have been so many wonderful morsels in this book that have stopped me in my tracks to be with before continuing. 

He included a quote by Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist Nun, that is one of those morsels for me. "The problem is that the desire to change yourself is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself."  Wow.  At face value, this goes totally against all the cultural conditioning I've had.  So, I wanted to dive into it!

The first word that hit me when I reread it was "desire."  In yoga scriptures, Kama is noted as the first of six main reactionary emotions which are inner enemies of the self that keep us in delusion.  Kama is the desire binding to sense and transient objects.  For example, seeing that new iPhone and you have to have it for life to be complete and feel happy. And you can't stop thinking about it! Only when you get it, that 'happiness' is fleeting. Our minds love to desire so many things and when we don't get them or we get them and don't want to loose them, the other five reactionary emotions occur.  This is attaching to impermanence and thinking it is 'Truth' or permanent. 

Going back to the quote, it is known that change is inevitable, it will happen.  We will all change and in fact, the basis of self-transformation is about changing from attaching to what is not real (asat) to what is real (sat).  Now change is being aggressive? What's wrong with wanting to be better?! So what does this quote mean??

What Pema Chodron is talking about for me is when we become attached to the idea (desire) that we aren't good enough, need to strive to be better, compare to others, and beat ourselves up when we 'fail.'  This is what most of us are conditioned to at a very young age. In school, it's about grades, being the best in activities, striving to do better.  Comparing ourselves to peers, to ideas of what success looks like.  Then we get an award or a grade and we still don't feel enough.  We push and push or don't tray at all.  This is the aggression towards ourselves. We strive for changing ourselves out of fear and self-doubt, like a hamster running in its wheel.  Never getting to the top.

This fall I was reflecting on the six inner enemies of the self and really, it all came back to Kama or desire.  Desire, for me, leads to future thinking and planning.  My mind loves fantasizing about the future (Moha) and what I've noticed when my mind is doing that, my body is tense, right shoulder rising towards my ear, jaw tight and head forward.  My breath is short and shallow or I'm barely breathing.  My body tells me it's not a good place to be but my mind thinks it's on top of the world. The desire of things to go a certain way or look a certain way is exhausting, yet my mind is so conditioned to it. It's a comfort zone, even though not a healthy one. 

When change is about focusing and attaching to an outcome, then inevitably it opens up for aggression.  What I have found and been taught, is that setting an intention and doing actions is what we can control, the outcome is whatever it will be.  An example for myself is setting an intention of living a more present and peaceful life.  I keeping this in mind, it has led me to changing how I work so that there is less stress, more down time for me, and doing enough financially but not needing to be the best.  There are times I've had to redirect my mind back to the intention rather than the future fantasy my mind desires. 

This just brought to my mind an innocent and culturally normal question I've been asked lately with an upcoming transition.  "Are you excited?!"  This is actually such a loaded question.  There's been an assumption on some level that what I'm leaving is "bad" and what I'm moving towards is "good."  If I answer that in the moment, in the present, my response has been "I'm just trying to stay where I'm at finishing things up here."  In those moments, I really feel neutral.  If I've had a challenging day or a draining day, I'm more likely to feel "so ready" for change and the future fantasy thinking can start, which really doesn't help or change how I'm feeling. I just love seeing how such a simply and often used question around change or transition can be so limiting to the full experience.

I've been on the path to slow down and discover more and more what it means to live from a place of love and compassion, especially towards myself, for some time now. Since, as a person who works with others, I can not be my best if I'm not my best towards myself. 

When I take a breath, come back to what is happening right now, everything relaxes in my body. I feel at ease and content.  I'm able to be kind and compassionate to myself.  I can let go of the story more easily.  It's not as exciting or flashy or sexy, but it feels like exactly where I need to be.

The question come to my mind is "What would it be like if I could live each day as 'I am enough.'"