In working with parents over the years, one common theme that arises over and over is parents taking their children's actions personally instead of it being a child's reaction to their experience. Yes, a parent's own behaviors may be affecting the child and this needs to be looked at, though what I am talking about more is the reaction of "I'm not a good enough mom/dad," "I should ____ as a mom/dad," "what am I doing wrong as a mom/dad because (child) should not be acting like this.
My first suggestion to all parents is to have a reminder of developmental appropriate behaviors for different stages of your child's life. Sometimes it's easy to forget that the very behaviors your child is exhibiting are actually quite normal and appropriate and your job is to help guide them into learning more effective ways to make different choices. I think most parents can identify with a 2-3 year old having a tantrum in the middle of a public place. If your thought is "I should be able to control my child," then you will be embarrassed and angry. Most likely your behaviors will not be the most helpful ones in teaching your child how to appropriately express their emotions. If you can meet their behavior (belief is "my role is to help teach them), in a calm and firm manner, offer the child options in connecting by using their voice to talk with you so you can understand, or they have "x" amount of counts to start to calm down or you will all have to leave, or even sit by them and start to take deep breaths to model how to get control again. Here's a good list of developmental milestones: http://www.rsd.k12.pa.us/Downloads/Development_Chart_for_Booklet.pdf
From a yoga perspective, in the Yoga Sutras (a "how to guide" for yoga that was written by Patanjali prior to 400 CE and still highly relevant today), Patanjali address "I-ness" in Sutra 2.6 called Asmita. Asmita "arises from the ignorance, occurs due to the mistake of taking intellect to itself to be pure consciousness" (www.swamij.com). I think about this in relation to taking the role of parent as identity instead of a more of a role. When a person gains self-worth from being a parent, this is when taking the child's actions on as a reflection as one's identity or self-worth starts to create conflict. An example from Aaron Beck in Cognitive Behavior Therapy is that a child does poorly in a class at school, the parent blames themselves for the child doing poorly...what will this parent's action be? What I've run into is the parent becoming more forceful about the child's studying, getting upset when the child struggles to understand and I've even seen parents doing the work for the child to "get it right." None of this helps the child and negates the responsibility of the child to work through the challenge and feel good about themselves. Instead, when a child does poorly, talking with them, getting their input, and working as a support for the child in a more compassionate loving way is going to help them learn. Maybe even enjoy learning and school again. This isn't about you as a parent, it's about the child working through a life challenge effectively to feel more strength in themselves.
Changing from an "I-ness" centered belief to more compassion and putting responsibility to where it belongs takes time a practice, but in the end can be highly rewarding for parent and child, and actually strengthen that relationship.
Some Tips for practice:
1. Notice your reaction to your child. If you notice yourself feeling defensive and reacting from anger, guilt, fear, etc, STOP. You can almost always take time by saying, "let me think about this," "I don't know the answer right now, give me a few minutes." Then BREATHE. Breathing is so important because it can get us out of the reactive place to a place where we can think, feel, and go inward to find the answer that feels best. Take the time you need!
2. Remind yourself that "the way another person treats you is a reflection of them, not you." Step back and use your powers of empathy. My mother just shared a story about my brother when he was in middle school. She found herself struggling to understand why he was acting the way he was. She asked a male friend and he was able to give her some insight about how insecure and scared he felt when he was that age. She then found herself talking with him about an incident that had happened and was able to take herself out of it and stated, "I can imagine that was really scary." She shared that my brother just burst into tears with emotion at that comment, as this was really what was going on with him. Daniel Siegel, author of "Whole Brain Child" and many other wonderful books, explains this as "name it to tame it."
3. Take time to just have enjoyment with your child. Time that's just about having fun, not about the "to dos" and "have tos." We all need work in balancing the "have tos" with doing things that bring enjoyment. We all need play time and time where there's no time constraints or rushing.
4. Self-care. I can not stress this enough. You, as a parent, have so much you are juggling in addition to this role of parent. While this can be harder when children are younger, it can still be done with support of spouse, family, friends. Allow yourself time to do things that are out of this role and about you connecting to you. Whether it's a hobby, time with friends, exercise, just being by yourself...do it! And do it often. You can not be your best self when you are run down. You are a human like everyone else. This also teaches your children the importance of self-care.
5. Self-compassion. You are human, you will make mistakes and your intention is what is important. Be kind to yourself and you will be able to be more kind and compassionate to your children. More on this in the next blog.
Someone once told me that Deepak Chopra stated, "If we stopped taking other's behaviors and actions personally, 99% of our conflict would go away."
My first suggestion to all parents is to have a reminder of developmental appropriate behaviors for different stages of your child's life. Sometimes it's easy to forget that the very behaviors your child is exhibiting are actually quite normal and appropriate and your job is to help guide them into learning more effective ways to make different choices. I think most parents can identify with a 2-3 year old having a tantrum in the middle of a public place. If your thought is "I should be able to control my child," then you will be embarrassed and angry. Most likely your behaviors will not be the most helpful ones in teaching your child how to appropriately express their emotions. If you can meet their behavior (belief is "my role is to help teach them), in a calm and firm manner, offer the child options in connecting by using their voice to talk with you so you can understand, or they have "x" amount of counts to start to calm down or you will all have to leave, or even sit by them and start to take deep breaths to model how to get control again. Here's a good list of developmental milestones: http://www.rsd.k12.pa.us/Downloads/Development_Chart_for_Booklet.pdf
From a yoga perspective, in the Yoga Sutras (a "how to guide" for yoga that was written by Patanjali prior to 400 CE and still highly relevant today), Patanjali address "I-ness" in Sutra 2.6 called Asmita. Asmita "arises from the ignorance, occurs due to the mistake of taking intellect to itself to be pure consciousness" (www.swamij.com). I think about this in relation to taking the role of parent as identity instead of a more of a role. When a person gains self-worth from being a parent, this is when taking the child's actions on as a reflection as one's identity or self-worth starts to create conflict. An example from Aaron Beck in Cognitive Behavior Therapy is that a child does poorly in a class at school, the parent blames themselves for the child doing poorly...what will this parent's action be? What I've run into is the parent becoming more forceful about the child's studying, getting upset when the child struggles to understand and I've even seen parents doing the work for the child to "get it right." None of this helps the child and negates the responsibility of the child to work through the challenge and feel good about themselves. Instead, when a child does poorly, talking with them, getting their input, and working as a support for the child in a more compassionate loving way is going to help them learn. Maybe even enjoy learning and school again. This isn't about you as a parent, it's about the child working through a life challenge effectively to feel more strength in themselves.
Changing from an "I-ness" centered belief to more compassion and putting responsibility to where it belongs takes time a practice, but in the end can be highly rewarding for parent and child, and actually strengthen that relationship.
Some Tips for practice:
1. Notice your reaction to your child. If you notice yourself feeling defensive and reacting from anger, guilt, fear, etc, STOP. You can almost always take time by saying, "let me think about this," "I don't know the answer right now, give me a few minutes." Then BREATHE. Breathing is so important because it can get us out of the reactive place to a place where we can think, feel, and go inward to find the answer that feels best. Take the time you need!
2. Remind yourself that "the way another person treats you is a reflection of them, not you." Step back and use your powers of empathy. My mother just shared a story about my brother when he was in middle school. She found herself struggling to understand why he was acting the way he was. She asked a male friend and he was able to give her some insight about how insecure and scared he felt when he was that age. She then found herself talking with him about an incident that had happened and was able to take herself out of it and stated, "I can imagine that was really scary." She shared that my brother just burst into tears with emotion at that comment, as this was really what was going on with him. Daniel Siegel, author of "Whole Brain Child" and many other wonderful books, explains this as "name it to tame it."
3. Take time to just have enjoyment with your child. Time that's just about having fun, not about the "to dos" and "have tos." We all need work in balancing the "have tos" with doing things that bring enjoyment. We all need play time and time where there's no time constraints or rushing.
4. Self-care. I can not stress this enough. You, as a parent, have so much you are juggling in addition to this role of parent. While this can be harder when children are younger, it can still be done with support of spouse, family, friends. Allow yourself time to do things that are out of this role and about you connecting to you. Whether it's a hobby, time with friends, exercise, just being by yourself...do it! And do it often. You can not be your best self when you are run down. You are a human like everyone else. This also teaches your children the importance of self-care.
5. Self-compassion. You are human, you will make mistakes and your intention is what is important. Be kind to yourself and you will be able to be more kind and compassionate to your children. More on this in the next blog.
Someone once told me that Deepak Chopra stated, "If we stopped taking other's behaviors and actions personally, 99% of our conflict would go away."
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