Identity Crisis

Identity: “who someone is; the name of a person;  the qualities, beliefs, etc., that make a particular person or group different.” (Merriam-Webster online dictionary)

Crisis: “a difficult or dangerous situation that needs serious attention.” (Merriam-Webster online dictionary)

When looking at these definitions, an identity crisis is when the belief or qualities that we define ourselves as “who we are,” are challenged, changed, lost, etc. and our minds perceive this as a highly, dangerous situation (maybe even life or death) that shuts us down.

I had one of these periods in 2003-04.  I was in my mid-twenties and enjoying life. I was an avid rock climber, defining by self as “rock climber.”  “Hi, I’m Twyla and I’m a rock climber.”  I lived to be out on the rock any spare moment, month long climbing trips in the spring and fall between seasonal jobs, I was good at it, it fed me, I loved it.  I loved it because it was just me and the rock.  Having to work through my own thought and emotional ups and downs, facing my fear, working through a climbing “problem.” It felt so good to figure out how to work through moves and make it to the top.  Building trust with my body and my mind.

I was transitioning to graduate school that summer.  Driving from Alaska, where I had spent the winter with my dad and step-mother, and heading to Fort Collins, Colorado.  With a climbing partner in tow, we stopped in Squamish.  Land of granite.  I was so excited.  It was a challenging place for me, not used to slab climbing (using friction to keep your feet and hands on the wall rather than holding and standing on prominent features in the rock).  I also got to try some crack climbing, which I was just getting comfortable with.  A few days into it, I was climbing a harder climb, when I heard a “crunch” from one of my fingers.  I had done something to a tendon in one of my fingers, making it sore and needing to take a break.  I was done climbing in Squamish for this trip.  So we packed up and headed to Idaho, where we met some other climbing friends at City of Rocks.  A couple days had passed and I decided I could still climb, but needed to be more mellow due to my finger.  I jumped on a climb the first day, about half way up, hear heard a “pop” this time. I knew I had really hurt my finger.  I was bummed.  I ended up supporting my friends as they climbed more and I just looked on.  

It was a small injury that started a shift, a transition.  I had to take some time off climbing (really hard), and was able to get back in by climbing cracks, since it didn’t put as much weight on my fingers, but the “awesome climber” I defined myself as, started to feel “not good enough.”  Insecurities making their through the cracks in my identity.

Then, I started graduate school.  I was going to school and working three part-time jobs, one being at a local rock gym.  I was trying to pack in studying hard, working hard and getting in the mountains one to two times a week, a significantly less amount of time than I had been used to doing.  In contact with my climbing friends in Wyoming, I kept hearing about their adventures and upcoming trips that I was unable to join in due to my new schedule.  I was torn between the life I had been leading and loved and the change I felt pulled towards in finding a more rewarding career, working with people.  By Christmas time, I was exhausted emotionally.  I had a fight with my father and it was “the straw that broke the camel’s back.”  I became depressed.  

I’ve always struggled with some seasonal depression, so with everything added on top, that winter I found myself barely able to get out of bed and function.  I went through the motions, with negativity filling my head.  I started to wonder why life was worth living. There was a part of me saying, “Suck it up!  Just get on with it!  What’s your problem.”  My now long time partner and I had just started dating and I couldn’t understand why he’d want to hang out with such a depressed person, though I was good at hiding how I was feeling to the world.  I went on like this for four months.

On my birthday, all my new friends in Colorado went up to Devils Tower to camp, hike and rock climb with me.  I had wanted to go there for quite awhile.  Four of us went rock climbing, I was feeling positive.  Then, negativity came up in the climbing partner dynamics.  By the time we got to the top, I was filled with a mixture of joy about being on top of such an amazing rock formation and anger at feeling MY birthday climbing experience had been ruined by the group dynamics.  As we descended, I dwelled more and more on the negative aspect of the day and by the time we got to the bottom, I was engulfed by negativity.  I climbed into my tent, curled up in a ball and refused to get out.  My birthday celebration happened without me.  Those who know me, know my birthday has been my favorite day of the year for most of my life.  Not celebrating with my friends meant I was in a bad place.  I finally asked for help and went to a counselor at the university.

It was a little while longer until I realized how much the slow spiral down was related to identity, who I thought I was.  The change that occurred in my life at that time and how I was dealing with it (out of fear and insecurity), kept me from realizing that I’m still ME despite no longer living the life of “rock climber.”  This identity challenge allowed past identity challenges that I hadn’t dealt with come to the surface, feeding the fear and self-doubt even more.  It was overwhelming.

It was a good lesson in how facing the reality of change, allowed me to begin a healing process, that was about healing years of fighting change.  The more we cling to who we think we “should be,” “ought to be,” “supposed to be”...the more misery we create in our lives.  We will always be ourselves...it’s the process of getting through the fantasy we have created about who we really are that can be painful, depressing, overwhelming, anxiety provoking, filled with anger.  When we can come to joy, trust and faith in the change process, while being aware of the fear, sadness, and loss, moving with change happens much more easy.  Plus, we grow and learn so much more.  

Change is ALWAYS happening and we can’t stop it.  Do you choose to embrace it or fight it?

My name is Twyla and I enjoy rock climbing, as well as an infinite number of other things.  I climb for enjoyment, to not prove who I am to the world.  And I’m much more content.

I am not perfect, I am a human being too

I'm always startled when I have a client state, "You struggle?!  You just seem to have it put together and figured out.  I assumed nothing was wrong in your life."  This happened yesterday.  I smiled and replied "I'm a human being just like you, with my own struggles.  I do my own work so I can be better at helping others work with their struggles."

It's a good reminder about something we all do - comparing our lives to others and usually assuming they have it all together, while we are just floundering.  As a mental health counselor, listener and observer, human being, I can honestly say we all struggle.  No one is "perfect."  In fact, being human with all of our strengths and challenges, IS perfect (mull that one over).  When we compare, we are judging, and keeping ourselves stuck in a cycle of negativity that just keeps building.  To escape our own negativity, we start projecting on others, lashing out with anger, judgment and resentment.  Those layers of negativity push us further and further from meeting ourselves with love and compassion.

Why am I human?

- Even though I''m a mental health counselor and I deal with anxiety, seasonal depression, feel hurt, have self-doubt and fear.  I'm not immune.
- Embracing all the above, I've learned I have choices with the voice I go with, I can be kind to myself and give myself a break, I can be flexible with myself - not just for others, I can practice gratitude, I can pause and take time for myself...the list of choices and ways of coping is endless.
- I fall prey to "not good enough" and when I do, I've learned this is when my mind races, I push, I stop the coping tools that help me stay centered, I feel tired, and my schedule is jam packed.
- I'm learning!  The more I incorporate daily practices - physical, mental and spiritual, I create change, feel more content, and "not good enough" doesn't come around as much. I love the saying, "It's a practice, not a perfect."

We are all human!  The more we embrace all that comes with it, realize we aren't alone and actually quite normal in our sufferings, meet ourselves and others with kindness, and make a conscious effort to come from love and compassion rather than fear and anger - we will be able to meet life as it is, with more equanimity.

When you find yourself assuming another person has it all figured out, remind yourself they are human too and we can all learn from each other.  Commit to yourself that judgment, taking things personally and beating yourself up don't have room in your life and start the process of evicting them from your mind.  It's a process...

I'm not perfect, I'm human and I'm so grateful to have this experience each day. It's something to celebrate!!

Powder Days

I was proud of myself today. Living in the Vail Valley, skiing is a big deal and powder days even bigger.  Saturday we awoke to a surprise that Vail ski resort received nine inches of snow.  So, the decision was to change the original plan to skin (climb up the mountain with skis on and skins that stick to the bottom of the skis that allow you to glide forward but provide friction so you don't slide back) up the other local ski resort and instead hope for a day of powder skiing.  Whew, was it wonderful. Skiing through knee high snow brings out my inner child.  Each turn, like sinking into white clouds of cotton puffs, then being pushed up and out into the next turn.  Floating...  And, also a lot of work on my thighs.  By the end of our four hours, my thighs felt like wiggly jello, ready to give out at any moment.  A tired feeling like that of a child having had so much fun fully playing and then boom, falling over.

Today, I decided to to an early morning skin, get a few runs on some mellower terrain, and then head home to rest and relax.  As I was getting ready, my partner came downstairs to tell me, "Vail got another foot of snow!"  He was excited and thinking his day of driving two and a half hours with some of his students to volunteer in Denver would probably be cancelled due to the road conditions.  Without hesitation, I told him I was good with my plan and I didn't think my legs would handle much more powder.  In the past, I would have ignored that inner voice, deciding better to "go hard" and "push myself" for that awesome powder.  Greg ended up going to Vail and having a ball.  I did my skin and ski at Beaver Creek, done by 10:00am, and had a relaxing day.

The more I allow myself to pause...listen, the more I'm able to hear a soft inner voice, guiding me.  It has my best interest in mind, moves me towards love, compassion, my best self.  My struggle now seems to be with finding balance with "the doer" and this inner self.  Not ready to give up "the doer" and "the doer," when used for its talent, helps me move towards some amazing things.  It's helped me have so many awesome life experiences.  I am grateful for it.  It's when I let it take over, frantically planning, worrying, controlling.  Too much external, not enough going inward.  That's my journey right now, the path of going inward while living in this spectacular reality, filled with so much.  Trying to be with it more as a dance rather than something that 'has to be done.' Letting go of as much expectation as possible to open up to learning and growing.  Connecting with that inner child!

2016 - my year of consciously slowing down

Over the past few weeks, the holiday season, I was aware of how much I truly need (mind, body and spirit) to slow down.  Since my yoga teacher training in March and April of this past year, things have started to slow down naturally with a daily sadhana. My teacher, Prasad Rangnekar, was adamant if we learned nothing else, to start slowing down in our lives. My slowing down has been first about awareness.  Aware that I just spent eight hours focused on work, completely neglecting myself, only find myself dehydrated and stiff from sitting and forgetting to drink enough water.  Aware that I just booked every night in the coming week with something, with no time to just relax and let go.  Aware of thoughts going into the future, keeping me from being in the present, living fully today.  Aware that when I take time to sit and be still, I feel more peaceful, more connected to everything around me, content.  Aware when I take time to come back to my spiritual practices, other things I thought were important, suddenly aren't and I can let them go.

So, 2016 has started to become my year of slowing down in my actions, my planning, my doing.  Looking at my schedule and starting to prioritize, seeing areas I can cut back on, seeing areas that if I add will help with slowing down.  Finding moments in my doings to pause, notice, breathe, go inward to take a break from the outside.  Being keenly aware of my thoughts that get restless, that push me to do more, move more, add more. I've been doing some "harm reduction strategies" with those thoughts recently.  Like a shopaholic, going from buying, buying, to window shopping only or looking at catalogs and then throwing them out...then one day, the desire to window shop or look at catalogs slowly wanes.  Thoughts say, "You don't know what you're doing, let's sign up for another teacher training.  I'm bored, let's figure out a weekend getaway." I've allowed myself to peruse options in these areas, gotten feedback from others, then waited for 2-3 days till the urge has left and I think about money I've saved, come back to more spiritual focuses and smile at those past thoughts.  My hope is one day those urges will be less intense, come less often and even disappear.

I'm very good at scheduling and planning.  I've worked hard the past eight or so years to keep the planning in check.  I've gotten to the point where, more times than not, a weekend is open and the decision of what to do is made Thursday or Friday.  At times, I keep possible events or activities in mind, then wait to see how I'm feeling when the time comes and then decide if I can commit or not.  What I've realized is that I can use this skill to help plan slowing down.  Carve out time to write weekly, put in my calendar a day of silence, have an evening routine that includes sitting for 30 minutes before bed. Be intentional about time that is about being and enjoying.  If I type something into my Google Calendar, more likely than not, I will follow through.  It becomes a commitment.

In the moments I've slowed down and noticed, my mind is more at peace, my body is able to recover and relax, and I'm connected to my spirit - full of love and joy. 

In It: Struggles on the path

Is it this time of year – dark, cold, body calling for hibernation…

Is it the holidays – as an adult avoiding family contact, not wanting to choose, easier to do my own thing and now family is close, so time to change habits…

Is it my process – the deeper I go, the less able I am to avoid, escape, recognizing the layers of my negative patterns…

CONTROL, EXPECTATIONS – these themes my mind comes back to again and again. They show up everywhere!  Even in my practices to “better myself”  these two rear their heads.  Effortless effort…What?! What the hell does this mean?!

Is it those outside of me who are reacting to my changes, bringing up conflict in my world, trying to pull me in and make it a problem for me…I can see why retreating to a cave makes this process easier…my escape mode is triggered.  Run, run, run.  Change, change, change.  Thinking I am in control…then exhaustion. Too tired to fight any more…so I rest, retreat. I slow down and try to regroup…what am I missing?  Where am I going wrong?

Stillness calls.  Be still…listen…

Ok, well after…, I will…but, maybe if I just…and I’m back at it. It goes well for a bit as I continue to avoid stilling still. I’m a doer, goddamit! I do, I get things done!…at the cost of me.

Overwhelmed with the reality of Love

After watching a wonderfully well done movie, "You're Not You," and many tears shed for the beauty the love portrayed, poetic prose sprung into my mind.

What Is Love?

Love is seeing beauty everywhere.
Honoring what IS
and the joy, pain, sorrow
completely
because it IS.

Love is embracing the worst, the challenge, the fear,
Holding it, being with it, learning from it.
Crying because you can,
Laughing because you can,
Screaming because you can.
Stating YOUR truth in every moment.

Love is changing,
growing,
falling,
and doing it over and over again.

Love is
a snowflake,
a sun ray,
a tear,
a struggle,
letting go...
everything.

Love is
a smile,
a frown,
a touch,
surrender,
letting go...
everything.

Not a verb,
Not what you want,
Not what I want,
Not rigid perfection,
Not fear,
Not judgment.

Love is...
crying and crying and crying
for the joy, pain, sorrow, fear.
Thank you for life,
ALL OF IT.
Love...
It's WHY we live.

A discovery within letting go.

I had a discovery today.

It came while reading an excerpt by Thich Nhat Hanh in the most recent “Shambhala Sun” magazine.

                “One day a friend coaxes you into getting away for a couple days.  At first you may say, “I can’t.  I have too much work.  I might miss an important call.”  But finally he convinces you to leave, and an hour or two later, you find yourself in the countryside.  You see open space.  You see the sky, and you feel the breeze on your cheeks.  Happiness is born from the fact that you could experience that kind of joy?  You needed to let go.”

Letting go.  I have been thinking of letting go as an act that you do and the next moment you feel lighter, relief, happy...and it lasts forever.  My discovery was it’s actually a process, not a onetime act of “if you do A, then B will occur.”  In fact, if you do A, it opens up all the emotions and thoughts underneath the surface.  It’s facing those and going through those that then (I think) will lead to another opportunity to let go and open up more of what needs to be faced.

I’ve been going through this process since I let go of this assumption: I could not make room to take five weeks and go to India to be with my teacher in order to have more training in yoga and self-development because I would be told, "no."  The thing is I really wanted to go and felt in my heart it was what I needed to do.  The letting go began when I asked myself, “who said I can’t go?”  Of course the answer was, “Myself.”  So, I began asking the people I thought would say, "no," and lo and behold my assumption was false.  I've had so much support from my co-workers, family, friends and even my clients.  When I decided I was going, I felt immense joy and then guilt began to creep in.  Yep, there it is, the real reason behind my assumption.  Guilt.

Guilt for not being responsible.  Guilt for leaving people hanging and having to cover for me.  Guilt that I don’t deserve this.  Guilt for my partner to go through his own suffering.  Guilt upon guilt.  At first my thought was, “Hey, I let go and you don’t belong here guilt!  I’m supposed to feel awesome!”

In the past, I would let this guilt consume me as I would stop doing things for self-care and self-nurturing, eventually ending up inviting depression to join the party.  But I’ve been doing it differently this time.  I’ve noticed guilt, tried to take time to listen and sort out a little more why guilt came up.  I’ve talked to people about it and gotten support.  I’ve told guilt, “I hear you and I know you are here for a reason, but I’ve still got things to do so you’ll just have to come along.”  It comes in little waves, wanting attention, so I give it some and it fades again, though still present.

When I read this passage, it hit me…I expected letting go would make the guilt disappear.  I had to laugh because this step in letting go is just that, a step.  It allowed the possibility for me to face what was (and is) really limiting me and be with it, acknowledge and accept it so that I could respond differently.  It’s like each action of letting go is a new beginning.  I’m very grateful for this new beginning because despite the guilt and it’s messages, I am going to India because I do deserve to take the time to develop myself and continue to grow.  My hope is guilt will eventually open an opportunity to let go of it when I’m ready.  Until then I will work on embracing it, going through the PROCESS of letting go, and enjoying those moments when I do let go…knowing the more I allow myself to do that, the more of those joyous moments will happen.