The Cows Are Back

On my drive to work, I've gotten in the habit of really taking in the beauty of where I live to practice gratitude.  I've developed some "friends" that I regularly see.  A raven that has a certain morning breakfast spot, a large bird of prey who perches a top the high point of a certain tall tree, and the cows in a field grazing.  I've particularly enjoyed the field with the cows, watching the field change during each season.  The cows grazing there, fertilizing.  The hay growing into a tall, brilliant green.  The farmer cutting the hay, a sweet smell to the air.  The hay laying to dry and then rolled up into bundles.  Then the process begins again and again until frost and snow signal time to rest.  The cows also disappeared, maybe around December.  Then low and behold, the were back last week.  My heart was joyful and I gave them a hearty, "hello, again!"

I've struggled with change most of my life.  I would try to be prepared for as may possible outcomes I could think of and worry about the future.  In doing this, I missed so much of what was happening in the now.  With the seasons, I had come to view winter as dark and dreary, a time when depression would set in and irritability with all around me would come in waves.  I did not like or enjoy this place.

I moved half way across the world to India in 2010 for two years.  I was excited as I loved the time I had visited India years before and couldn't wait to be there, seeped in the culture.  When December came, we had some family and friends come to visit and headed north for a two week excursion.  Despite the amazing things we were seeing, the old, familiar depression filtered in.  It was at this moment when I started to finally grasp that it wasn't the place or environment I was in that caused me to feel depressed...it was me.  Here I was in an amazing place, rich with culture and history, among loved ones and I felt heavy.

I already had the blessing of meeting my teacher, Prasad Rangnekar.  When he asked me to join his yoga teacher training for the following year, my entire being said, 'yes,' without a thought. I was ready to face myself.  Through his teachings and the teachings of yoga, I've been able to answer, "now that I know it's me, what can I do to change this?"

It's been four and a half years since I've committed to this path of self-transformation and committed to daily sadhana (practice).  I'm reminded of the quote (which I will paraphrase): Chapter 1: I walk down the path and fall into a hole.  I have no idea how I got there and I know it's not my fault.  It takes a long time to get out.  Chapter 2: I walk down the path, I fall into the hole AGAIN.  I can't believe it and wonder how it happened again.  It takes time to get out. Chapter 3: I walk down the path and fall into that hole again.  This time I realize I got myself there.  I get out more easily.  Chapter 4: I walk down the path, I see the hole and I walk around it.  Chapter 5: I take a different path.

India was Chapter 3.  My teacher trainings and sadhana for the first three and a half years have been Chapter 4.  And I've realized that I'm now turning some of the pages of Chapter 5 as I have come to see the beauty and joy in change, to celebrate it and thank it.  Don't get me wrong, there is still some anxiety that comes up, but I treat it as a friend.  I realize it's my body and mind letting me know there's something there I still need to address and learn from.  It's empowering and motivating. This winter, I realized the cows are back.

Ahimsa and 'light' on the mind

I'm sitting on my couch for the fifth day, sick.  A nasty head cold.  It's been a wonderful trip into all the "shoulds" trying to run my life.  The first is, "I shouldn't get sick."  Somewhere along the line, my mind decided that eating healthy, exercising, using medicinal grade essential oils, practicing yoga and its principles, being good to others, and helping others "should" GUARANTEE that I don't get sick anymore. Ha ha ha! (Oops, just fell off my chairs I was laughing so hard at myself).  Then what other thought is able to sneak in there because of this...Oh, yes: "I'm not good enough since I got sick."  WHAT??!!  How does the mind go from "I'm sick," to "I'm not good enough."  If I get sick, I'm not good enough...hmmm.  The really fun thing is that it only applies to me.  Yup, I'm that special.  Nope, not to you, just me.  Getting sick happens as a natural part of being human for everyone else, just not this human.

The next should is, "If I get sick, then it can last only three days tops and then I should be feeling better."  Crap!  It's been five days with no relief in sight.  "There's something wrong with ME."  Oh, yes, I'm to blame since it's lasted more than three days.  I've done everything I'm 'supposed to do.'  I lathered my body religiously with my oils, I've stayed at home, missed work and skiing, ate soup, rested, watched movies, and drank herbal tea, tea, and more tea.  So it MUST be me.  No other explanation.  (Except may it's just being sick).

Third should is, "if you're going to just be hanging around at home all day, you should get some things done!"  That's right folks, no "relaxing" ALL DAY LONG, when there are things that 'should be done.'  Now this one really creeped in on Day 4.  I mean, how am I to explain this to the powers that be that I'm sick when I can still walk, move my body, not on my death bed?  Get to work!!!  Again, that sneaky "not good enough" and "this only applies to me" popping up again.  Can't these two just leave me alone!

Fourth is, "If I'm not puking, have a 104 degree temperature, and can barely lift my pinky, I should be getting myself ready to go back to work."  There's a part of me that looks at this and says, "But I've not gone to work and don't want to get others sick...I've been working on this one."  Yet, if I truly own up, there's been a part of my brain that has been thinking about how to make up some of the time I've missed from not being at work.  Hence, going back to number one, "I should not get sick."

Wow.

This month I'm focusing on Ahimsa, a yama and ethical principle of yoga, meaning non-violence or the meaning I like of 'love in action.'  This week's focus has been on balance and listening to the body to create balance in meeting its needs.  As a great lesson, I promptly became sick. I am grateful as it's been a wonderful opportunity to stop and listen.  And realize how much my mind struggles to listen to my body and it tries to be in control by creating amazing alter-realities, which most likely feed into the state my body is in right now.  Ahimsa can not fully be realized until the mind's alter-realities that are usually rigid and negative are dealt with, this I am sure of.

Here's to a year dedicated to slowing down, listening, creating awareness and working towards fully loving myself, others and the environment.  And here's to the head cold!

Time Expectation for Change

I’ve recently experienced an “ah ha” for myself in the change process, that is in changing habits.  I’ve had digestive issues for a long time, in the realm of constipation.  About three and a half years ago, my grandmother, who was in her late 80s, was rushed to the hospital and had emergency surgery on her colon, which was blocked. To me, it’s reflective on her life long battle with the same digestive issues I’ve experienced.  Yes, she is late in her life, but it made me wake up to the realization that I need to seriously commit to addressing this physical issue for it to change.

I decided to go the route of Ayurveda as I had started to explore this approach when I was living in India.  I met with Julia Clarke, who is a certified Ayurvedic practitioner in my community (highly recommend her).  I participated in a group cleanse and then tried in incorporate certain parts of the diet into my daily life. I did another cleanse on my own, after meeting with her again a year or so later.  I also sought out some help through doing a number of colon cleanses.  My sadhana or daily yoga practice has included slower asanas, pranayama (breath work), slowing my mind down and affirmation that I repeat throughout my day.  I’ve also been using essential oils specifically recommended for this condition. This combination of practice, which addressed working in all the koshas (sheaths), has slowly but surely been starting to change my struggle with constipation.  Not only physically, but also the mental and spiritual ”blockages.” 

In the past, any slight change in routine like being outdoors all weekend or being in a different house, would disrupt elimination in my body.  It really sucked.  My thoughts were constantly about this, which would create even more stress and anxiety.  When I would travel long distances to other countries, I was prepared for hell in my belly because “it was just how it is.”  

Deciding the suffering approach was no longer going to work and was not going to be helpful in long term health, I became committed to eliminating constipation from my life.  With the above daily practices over the past three years, there has been change for the better. 

My “ah ha” moment (s) have come over this summer.  Going backpacking with friends and being regular the entire time.  Traveling to Canada and being regular.  As a well as realizing I haven’t been thinking about it as much or stressing about it as much.

In this, I feel like I’ve gained some wisdom around truly the time is takes to make change in our long standing habits.  It takes commitment to practices towards change and the acceptance that it will take years, not weeks or even months.  Even changing that perspective is a slowing down.  When I expect things to change quickly, it causes more stress when it’s not happening quickly.  When I accept I’m going to make this change no matter how long it takes, there seems to be more calm and peace with the process…which I’m sure ultimately helps change even more.

Put on your oxygen mask first

"You're afraid your relationship will end if you don't go on a bike ride?" my dear friend, Carly reflected back to me recently.  I laughed.  It's true, my mind has been stressing over this ridiculousness for the past year and a half.

This moment was such a good example of how the mind, MY MIND, creates worry, tension in something that isn't real and it keeps me from being free to grow towards my own truth.  This distraction of how to balance my partner's perceived wants and my assumption about the foundation of our relationship has, at times, kept me from my sadhana, kept me from being present, and kept anxiety and tension coursing through my body - which has caused negative physical issues to occur.  This realization after talking with my friend, immediately resonated with lightness, release in tension in my body and mind, and clarity on what I need to do to continue growing on this spiritual path.

I naturally fall into the caretaker role.  Growing up I took care of my parent's relationship.  A desire to help others from a very early age.  Mediating between friends since I can remember.  Being a counselor by trade.  This is a wonderful part of myself as long as it comes with the balance and clarity of myself.  The dark side of this rears its head when I help to excess, put others before myself, think I  have no value without this role, overbook myself.  When I use it for what it's really meant to be my own self-transformation and caring for myself, the flow of life releases and things just happen.  When that darker side comes out, I'm stressed, - literally my body reacting like it's holding the weight of the world on it's shoulders - running ragged and feeling like there's never enough time.  Some lessons that have helped me:

1)  SLOW DOWN.  I can not stress this enough.  Ever notice that when you aren't able to do this, your body conspires to force you into slowing down through illness or injury?  We are rushing too much and for what?  To be enough in the future.  We are enough, period.  Our minds get so caught up in the "game" of illusion that we believe the material world will solve everything.  The sneaky thing is that it's that very race to accumulate that creates our misery of stress and anxiety and leading to feel more and more "not enough."  Slowing down allows space in our daily life to become aware and make conscious choices that can lead to more peace and contentment.

2) PRACTICE or SADHANA.  My guru, Prasad Rangnekar, states this over and over.  Those practices that help to create awareness and allow us to slow down are what I've found to help me take responsibility for my reactions in daily life.  Today, as I write this, I sit in Hibbings, MN, never a blip on my radar before.  I'm on my way home from a workshop in Canada with my guru.  Just as I stepped through security in International Falls, MN, the flight was cancelled and the adventure began.  Watching everyone around react with anger and stress, I knew I had a choice.  This situation has happened and I can be upset or accept this reality and see this as an opportunity to 'chill out' and practice.  By going with the flow, my body's stayed relaxed, I've been able to nurse the cold I acquired, and enjoy the peace of the day.  In the past, my mind would have shot into the future, worried and worried, dwelled and dwelled, and created an alter reality that doesn't exist.  My daily sadhana has helped ground me and meet challenges with more objectivity and seize the moment.  Why not just enjoy the challenges, which actually ends up dissipating the "challenge" since it's a label my mind created.  Just like smiling when in Utkatasana helps the body and mind relax into the pose.

3) BREATHE.  Breathing longer, deeper breaths helps to create space in the body and the mind.  It literally jolts the brain out of its flight or fight response so you can think more clearly and objectively.  Try it on the mat.  Hold the breath in any pose. Then take long breaths with a focus on lengthening the exhale.  Notice what happens.  It's been life changing for me.

You owe it to yourself to use kindness, compassion, and care taking towards yourself.  These powers are worthless otherwise.  Just like the safety talk on an airplane - you need to put your oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others.

Facing the Tension to Move Through and Discover the Truth

I recently had a day where I was struggling with my old ‘buddy,’ anxiety.  For me, it’s a racing mind, jumping around about all the things I need to do, muscles tightening especially in my shoulders and jaw, and it’s hard to sit still, especially to just breath…which is exactly what I need to do to bring my mind back to the present moment.  I was starting to teach a new class that day, so my anxiety was centered on this.  I went to work at the mental health center that is my main occupation.  Between seeing clients, I would notice the tension in my body and do some gentle stretches and take deep breaths.  It helped to keep the sensations manageable.  I had about an hour between the end of my work day and the beginning of the yoga class.  So, I went for a walk to take advantage of the beautiful day.

I walked slowly and deliberately along a beautiful creek. Taking some breaths I asked myself, “what is underneath all this worrying!”  I looked at my surroundings…the green grass, budding trees, gently running water.  Then I found it…self-doubt.  “Am I good enough?”  That sneaky thought  that has kept me from doing things in the past and creeps in when I start something new or push my comfort zone.  So, I put it out to the universe, “Am I good enough?”  Instantly, looking at the spectacularly green grass along the path, I heard, “Is the grass good enough?”  I laughed because that’s such a ridiculous question.  Grass is grass, it is what it is, there’s no such thing as grass being good enough.  I looked around and realized it was true for everything I saw.  I almost laughed out loud. It’s a ridiculous question!  Even about me.   

I have to admit, I’ve been catching that rascal of a belief trying to rear its head a few times since then as I’ve been taking on new endeavors.  But now I’m able to come back to that moment to remind myself that “good enough” is irrelevant, not even a question worth putting time into.  No different than any other living being, I am what I am and don’t need to be anything else.  It will take practice but the seed of this new understanding and the unlearning of the untruth have begun.

Question your thoughts and beliefs as they are most likely a storyline that’s ridiculous in many ways.   And, the truth will be obvious because it will fill you with a sense of peace.  Untruths bring fear, anxiety, and negativity.

Purpose of a tree

Purpose or Dharma has kept creeping into my life.  Thinking about my purpose can get me reeling and feeling lost.  So, I've been thinking about the purpose of trees.  I've been using medicinal grade essential oils/ essences regularly over the past year. First to address immunity and then slowly other physical ailments.  They've been wonderful to work with and have helped me so much.  I'm drawn to the fir/spruce essences.  In using them, I've been more aware of their presence around me in the environment. Sometimes I've talked to them during my ski touring this winter, thanking them. It's made me contemplate their purpose.  I keep coming back to the word 'giving.'  They give and give and give.  They are part of the earth ecosystem that allows the air we breath to bring life to so many other beings.  They are homes themselves, resting spots and provide housing materials for us humans.  Their roots hold the top soil for other plants and trees to grow. Their essences are healing.  Everything about them is love.  I'm reminded of the book, "The Giving Tree," by Shel Silverstein. In this book, a tree and a boy become friends. As the boy grows, what the tree provides changes.  The man struggles with his own purpose, confused and the tree gives and gives, all along just wanting the man to be happy.

Trees aren't pondering if they have enough leaves or are tall enough.  They aren't pondering if life is better on that other hillside on that other mountain.  Aspens aren't wishing they were lodge pole pines or spruce trees.  They just are.  Their dharma is to grow and give, to be their part of the earth ecosystem in order to sustain all other beings.  They have been an integral part of the earth ecosystem since life exploded onto earth.  Species of trees have come and gone, but trees and plants continue to sprout forth, being part of the whole, sustaining life.

Trees also have to receive in order to keep growing and keep helping.  They need the sunlight, the rainwater. They also need forest animals to help spread their seeds.  Some need fire in order to open their seeds for the next generation to take hold.  They seasons to go through their cycles of growth and rest.

So when I come back to my own purpose or dharma, thinking about trees makes me wonder about my part in sustaining the whole.  I'm a natural helper and giver, but I know that I can do it in a way that's not sustaining, it's draining and then my system shuts down, unable to give. It takes vigilance, awareness, practice to find the balance between give and receive.  I can't always be the helper and embracing this (the moments it happens) actually helps me to be the best helper, reach higher potential.  When I don't embrace this my body, mental state and spiritual being are all compromised.  The less negative talk and self-judgement, the more space for self-love and compassion, and feeling peaceful, content starts to happen more and more.  I'm learning that purpose isn't an outcome or a destination, it's an ebb and flow...changing but ever moving me closer to being part of the balance of the whole.  For us humans, we seem to be moving further and further from this with our fast paced life, attachments to our screens of every size, and disconnecting more and more from interactions with each other, with nature, with the whole.  We cannot exist without all other beings and we are not superior.  We have our own special part and our purpose is truly to connect with our special part of the whole.

Just like the trees.

Identity Crisis

Identity: “who someone is; the name of a person;  the qualities, beliefs, etc., that make a particular person or group different.” (Merriam-Webster online dictionary)

Crisis: “a difficult or dangerous situation that needs serious attention.” (Merriam-Webster online dictionary)

When looking at these definitions, an identity crisis is when the belief or qualities that we define ourselves as “who we are,” are challenged, changed, lost, etc. and our minds perceive this as a highly, dangerous situation (maybe even life or death) that shuts us down.

I had one of these periods in 2003-04.  I was in my mid-twenties and enjoying life. I was an avid rock climber, defining by self as “rock climber.”  “Hi, I’m Twyla and I’m a rock climber.”  I lived to be out on the rock any spare moment, month long climbing trips in the spring and fall between seasonal jobs, I was good at it, it fed me, I loved it.  I loved it because it was just me and the rock.  Having to work through my own thought and emotional ups and downs, facing my fear, working through a climbing “problem.” It felt so good to figure out how to work through moves and make it to the top.  Building trust with my body and my mind.

I was transitioning to graduate school that summer.  Driving from Alaska, where I had spent the winter with my dad and step-mother, and heading to Fort Collins, Colorado.  With a climbing partner in tow, we stopped in Squamish.  Land of granite.  I was so excited.  It was a challenging place for me, not used to slab climbing (using friction to keep your feet and hands on the wall rather than holding and standing on prominent features in the rock).  I also got to try some crack climbing, which I was just getting comfortable with.  A few days into it, I was climbing a harder climb, when I heard a “crunch” from one of my fingers.  I had done something to a tendon in one of my fingers, making it sore and needing to take a break.  I was done climbing in Squamish for this trip.  So we packed up and headed to Idaho, where we met some other climbing friends at City of Rocks.  A couple days had passed and I decided I could still climb, but needed to be more mellow due to my finger.  I jumped on a climb the first day, about half way up, hear heard a “pop” this time. I knew I had really hurt my finger.  I was bummed.  I ended up supporting my friends as they climbed more and I just looked on.  

It was a small injury that started a shift, a transition.  I had to take some time off climbing (really hard), and was able to get back in by climbing cracks, since it didn’t put as much weight on my fingers, but the “awesome climber” I defined myself as, started to feel “not good enough.”  Insecurities making their through the cracks in my identity.

Then, I started graduate school.  I was going to school and working three part-time jobs, one being at a local rock gym.  I was trying to pack in studying hard, working hard and getting in the mountains one to two times a week, a significantly less amount of time than I had been used to doing.  In contact with my climbing friends in Wyoming, I kept hearing about their adventures and upcoming trips that I was unable to join in due to my new schedule.  I was torn between the life I had been leading and loved and the change I felt pulled towards in finding a more rewarding career, working with people.  By Christmas time, I was exhausted emotionally.  I had a fight with my father and it was “the straw that broke the camel’s back.”  I became depressed.  

I’ve always struggled with some seasonal depression, so with everything added on top, that winter I found myself barely able to get out of bed and function.  I went through the motions, with negativity filling my head.  I started to wonder why life was worth living. There was a part of me saying, “Suck it up!  Just get on with it!  What’s your problem.”  My now long time partner and I had just started dating and I couldn’t understand why he’d want to hang out with such a depressed person, though I was good at hiding how I was feeling to the world.  I went on like this for four months.

On my birthday, all my new friends in Colorado went up to Devils Tower to camp, hike and rock climb with me.  I had wanted to go there for quite awhile.  Four of us went rock climbing, I was feeling positive.  Then, negativity came up in the climbing partner dynamics.  By the time we got to the top, I was filled with a mixture of joy about being on top of such an amazing rock formation and anger at feeling MY birthday climbing experience had been ruined by the group dynamics.  As we descended, I dwelled more and more on the negative aspect of the day and by the time we got to the bottom, I was engulfed by negativity.  I climbed into my tent, curled up in a ball and refused to get out.  My birthday celebration happened without me.  Those who know me, know my birthday has been my favorite day of the year for most of my life.  Not celebrating with my friends meant I was in a bad place.  I finally asked for help and went to a counselor at the university.

It was a little while longer until I realized how much the slow spiral down was related to identity, who I thought I was.  The change that occurred in my life at that time and how I was dealing with it (out of fear and insecurity), kept me from realizing that I’m still ME despite no longer living the life of “rock climber.”  This identity challenge allowed past identity challenges that I hadn’t dealt with come to the surface, feeding the fear and self-doubt even more.  It was overwhelming.

It was a good lesson in how facing the reality of change, allowed me to begin a healing process, that was about healing years of fighting change.  The more we cling to who we think we “should be,” “ought to be,” “supposed to be”...the more misery we create in our lives.  We will always be ourselves...it’s the process of getting through the fantasy we have created about who we really are that can be painful, depressing, overwhelming, anxiety provoking, filled with anger.  When we can come to joy, trust and faith in the change process, while being aware of the fear, sadness, and loss, moving with change happens much more easy.  Plus, we grow and learn so much more.  

Change is ALWAYS happening and we can’t stop it.  Do you choose to embrace it or fight it?

My name is Twyla and I enjoy rock climbing, as well as an infinite number of other things.  I climb for enjoyment, to not prove who I am to the world.  And I’m much more content.